74 @asahi@computerfairi.es

growing up in an abusive family means that often casual conversation constantly reminds you of awful arbitrary things your family did that were pretty messed up

sometimes in retrospect, sometimes you realize then, sometimes you know but don't really want to think about it nor remember...

and you don't want to mention it because of not wanting to interrupt with awful stuff nor constantly think much of it...

... i want to return to being myself...

a sense of spirituality from astronomy. truly eldritch cosmic powers. a beauty in the physical universal forces, evocation of indescriptible things

the sense of a nature so inmense and beyond

like a spiritual being
like a fairy or a deity

time is an awful thing

anyways back to unlivable executive dysfunction and anxiety

it isn't very good, i didn't filter it nor anything which was kind of a mistake it probably would've been better to separate it from the pulp, but it's not bad

made myself almond milk for breakfast
i didn't have in my head you could just, Make Stuff, That You Want

i can't live here

loneliness, helplessness, and dysphoria

and other things

want a name, a full name
want the ability to make things and exist, and learn and be

want to reach and solve things

that's one way to feel better

lack of community and dysphoria destroying me

anything i post private under an ambiguous cw is probably about suicide and other bad stuff i do not have the cognitive ability for

don't read them unless you know what are they about

how do you escape this

the same thing that makes you miserable is what makes you drive others away in a self-destructive loop

there is only so broken you can be and so much you can reach as it consumes you, erodes you, erodes everyone and everyhing

it's tiring, a slow and so tiring death