Help I'm having thoughts and I don't want to have them

I don't want them to tear me apart again

I'm fine guys I'm just

Kind of

Well I'm not fine but I'm not super down like I usually am

This whole fucking thing with HRT is just so fucking depressing and I think about it every goddamn day

Yet I'm denied it because I "need to get a grip on my depression first" even though the main cause in the first place is the lack of HRT

I'm not stupid, I know what it can do, I've researched it extensively

It's not anyone else's decision to fucking make

@SilviaFox
*offers hug*
Doctors always think they know best, always in spite of their patients.
Sure, when it comes to physical health, they probably do.
But mental health? Very few of them know anything... Assholes, the lot.

@Terxbor
This isn't about doctors

It's about my mother

@SilviaFox
Ah. Well. That's something different... I have to ask, then: how does your mother prevent you from getting treatment?

@Terxbor
As I mentioned

She says I "need to get my depression and anxiety in check first"

Which is not how it fucking works

@Terxbor
Mind you I'm disabled and can't handle these things myself

@SilviaFox
So she has the ACTUAL ability to prevent you from getting the treatment?

@Terxbor
Yes

@SilviaFox
Ok... that really fucking sucks. I know the clueless parent(s) bit rather well... but having a real ability to affect your life directly is less familiar to me.
And I assume you told her that not getting HRT is the direct cause of your depression?

@Terxbor
Yes

And she's not said fucking anything since

Which is typical of her to just ignore me when I bring up valid points

@SilviaFox
Oh god... she sounds Filipino. (That is, like my mom, and her sisters, and pretty much all of my Filipino friends' mothers.)
Keep bringing it up. Don't ever let up. You have to pick and choose your battles with your mom, I'm guessing. Pick this one. Definitely pick this one.

@Terxbor
Not Filipino

Just kind of a cunt

@SilviaFox
Heh. She'd fit right in though.
I don't think your situation is hopeless, by the way. Just keep trying new tactics. But still never let up.
Has she tried to get you to go to therapy or a psychiatrist yet?

@Terxbor
Yes and it made things worse

Talking to people I don't know about my deeply personal issues makes me anxious and upset

@SilviaFox
I know it'll be difficult, but I suggest going to the psychiatrist again.
But first, get what you need to say down on paper and take it in with you. (Typing it down and printing that is fine; it's what I'd do, personally.)
The less you have to say with speech while you're there, the less stressful it will be.
What's wrong, why it's wrong. Most importantly, why HRT will help with a lot of it.
Oh, make copies and secure them in case your mom decides to destroy them.