this feels so weird to say but

i was going to kill myself earlier

had everything all planned

i was going to tie a belt to the doorknob and my neck and let gravity do the rest

had the belt tied, had my neck in it

but

i kept chickening out at the last second

why?

everything

every. goddamn. thing.

having teeth pulled and being unable to eat food like a normal person anymore. meta's plans to come in and bulldoze this place totally setting fedi on fire. so many people* giving me shit about The Pact. feeling unsafe and unable to defend myself. feeling like i had nobody to truly trust and no place left to call home

*not blaming them. it was just a stress factor that led to this. that's on me for not being able to handle criticism very well

it all became too overwhelming and i just kinda broke for a bit

i couldn't stop crying for so long

i still don't feel completely better but that's the reason i'm venting about all this, so i hopefully can

being back is already helping a bit