volatile duck @gilliebobs@computerfairi.es

on my way 2 support group lol https://computerfairi.es/media/6v7UuNCw75v0GfnhooQ

I gotta believe!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I SAW TRANS PEOPLE IN REAL LIFE AND ONLINE AND WAS JEALOUS AS FUCK OF THEM HOW THE FUCK DID I NOT REALISE UNTIL I WAS 23 HOWWWWWWWWWWW THE FUCK

why am I such a coward. people get kicked out of their homes because they're trans and I'm here with mostly support and just writhing in self-induced agony lolololol fuck this

convincing yourself that you're not suffering enough to be trans while also suffering a whole lot

maybe this is the self-harm of going to work every day as a guy and pretending everything is fine

I can't tell what feelings are real and which are made up. my thoughts are just like a thing that happen to me repeatedly

god knows how much damage I've done myself by trying to walk the path that society laid at my feet. I wonder if I can ever come back from that kind of constant self-denial, and yet I also wonder if it even was self-denial. none of these feelings felt that important at the time, it was just a bunch of shit that I really enjoyed doing

quack

if it walks like a trans girl, looks like a trans girl, quacks like a trans girl, it's probably just a confused man

IT'S HOLDING ME BACK!!!!

it's just fear and pathological doubt, it's no longer rational, and yet I keep coming back to it!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have a big list of trans signs on a google docs and to any stranger it would look really obvious but I can still think of millions of reasons to doubt myself

the problem is mostly my own head, and not just because I have a huge head

it's so hard to understand what the hell my problem is

I need to stop panicking

I SHOULD HAVE FUCKIN WORKED ON THE SOCIAL SIDE OF THINGS

I WAS NOT READY FOR GROWING BOOBS

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

ain't no solution to the problem I have.