74 @asahi@computerfairi.es

feeling more dysphoric than usual lately...

yesterday i ended up breaking so bad i retreated from existence
just, shut down. i could "see" and "percieve", not feel nor think
i "narrated" what the one fronting wanted, i could hear her thoughts and "recorded" things, but i was not feeling nor thinking. i was "asleep"

it was a really weird experience in retrospect. i almost only remember it the way one remembers something that didn't happen, i wasn't there, i just have the memories of it

i feel so disconnected from other trans people
like my experiences are too bad and past a threshold of what people expect
and too different to most people to relate

im so tired

looking at how
people have careers and masters and have accomplished so many things

and i haven't done anything
quit school so early because it was unbearable, couldn't get titles for anything else despite being made go to and waste waste waste so much time and mental health
couldn't do anything of my own
because i was never allowed
to do anything

not being able to talk is so, so inmensely frustrating

it's frustrating, it feels you can't say literally anything and that nobody understands...

i hate the notion that if someone doesn't say much the few things they say must be important!!!!!

no, that's not how it works at all, it's innocuous small irrelevant pointless things what get out more easily because there are less thougts and feelings attached to them

the idea of otherwise just makes even talking about small pointless things difficult becauuse of fearing it gets seen as "oh this is important this is absolutely all the things the person who doesn't talk wants to say"

i am a small goddess, the least powerful
in this universe

and... i just wish someone could help me navigate, help me transition
i wish i could reach out for this...
but...

words about identity and self
and making and feeling
and
ugh

i've been feeling awful and dissociating in really complex ways but
the most frustrating is how, unable i am to express things

and because i cant express things i feel i shouldnt do anything...

complicated nostalgic feelings that are impossible to explain
memories of lost dreams...

if something i say is read, anything... please at least tell me you did...
just a sign that im not just quietly crying in the dark

i'm so afraid of people and any interaction i cant even say anything publicly
i cant even say anything to people i should

i just
want to be cute
in spirit, too
but am too broken

i want to replace my body with a cute moth the size of a tiny planet
and live inside the sun

(and also shows why some games really need to emulate the hardware filtering)

this is my favourite poorly emulated game because it runs at the wrong cpu speed so as soon as you start it Everything is Happening Really Fast and it stops at just "Gorl!" and that's one of the most relatable experiences I've ever had https://computerfairi.es/media/rtpMBcvsbpnuqgviR8M

im girls