74 @asahi@computerfairi.es

why am i so tired all the time

im so tired

so tired

or rather, not exactly that

but of leaving my family and terrible life, and to this ray of a possible future, of this air away from my helicopter abusive family
of becoming a better person, who i'd like to be... that kind of hope...

which, are also some of the themes of that game

pokemon black is important to me because i played it when i was going somewhere with transition and my life, when i was full of hope and able to transition and be feminine

so in part a lot of feelings for that time are attached to it

sometimes i associate pokemon with gender feelings due to coincidences

most of the important times involving gender happened i was playing pokemon, sometimes through it

like my family not watching what things was i playing letting me play a girl and indulge myself entirely in things i like
actually a lot of it is less pokemon in itself and more they not watching, i suppose...

i just want to like things...
to engage with things i like and be cute and
make things
and talk about things

and just
not be like this

- albw zelda

im gay girls and also ace girls which means i am very girls

i used to love how it was morning quickly in summer
the faint daylight through the window at the time consciousness fell on dreams

but nowadays... it's a reminder of how fast time goes... i miss that moment for awfulness, and it's just plain daytime by the time i go to sleep

a small space goddess
with an affinity to dawn flowers and sky dragons and nocturnal moths

ah yes, I love yuri, it's so sweet and cute fantasy romance
*reads autobiographies of lesbians with depression detailing how awful everything is*
it's nice to disconnect from everything sometimes
*it's all reminders of painful relatable experiences*

feeling more dysphoric than usual lately...

yesterday i ended up breaking so bad i retreated from existence
just, shut down. i could "see" and "percieve", not feel nor think
i "narrated" what the one fronting wanted, i could hear her thoughts and "recorded" things, but i was not feeling nor thinking. i was "asleep"

it was a really weird experience in retrospect. i almost only remember it the way one remembers something that didn't happen, i wasn't there, i just have the memories of it

i feel so disconnected from other trans people
like my experiences are too bad and past a threshold of what people expect
and too different to most people to relate

im so tired

looking at how
people have careers and masters and have accomplished so many things

and i haven't done anything
quit school so early because it was unbearable, couldn't get titles for anything else despite being made go to and waste waste waste so much time and mental health
couldn't do anything of my own
because i was never allowed
to do anything

not being able to talk is so, so inmensely frustrating

it's frustrating, it feels you can't say literally anything and that nobody understands...

i hate the notion that if someone doesn't say much the few things they say must be important!!!!!

no, that's not how it works at all, it's innocuous small irrelevant pointless things what get out more easily because there are less thougts and feelings attached to them

the idea of otherwise just makes even talking about small pointless things difficult becauuse of fearing it gets seen as "oh this is important this is absolutely all the things the person who doesn't talk wants to say"