thunderstorm crackle dream @hungrychangeling@computerfairi.es

taking a break from facebook turns out to be the key to unlocking the space to process all yr relational, communal grief & rage

welcome being loved on purpose welcome being loved with words and actions welcome whole time, but still and always as long as we want it woven together time

too 3 of swords and 7 of cups and two of cups to be alive

and there are so many ways of loving & trying

but just
craving deep in my heart in my body for any mutuality or reciprocity in so many of my connections

to have to ache when a connection feels good because of what i then learn about other times

heartsick with the reality of having always needed expectations needed intimate accountabilites heartsick with not believing in the radical revolution of disposable friendship
heartsick with wanting to love you, love us, love me on purpose
heartsick with wanting to always figure out what that means, with being broken open with being broken into pieces by that faith so many times

just wanting everything to be so on purpose
like tell me when you wanna be done, tell me how often we wanna see each other

my heart can't handle loving anyone more than they love me again , or maybe i can handle that
but i can't handle trying with my heart more again

i need to know what we are doing i need to know what you feel like you're doing

i wish i hadn't broken my heart so many times on people & lovers & organizations & friends who couldn't really love me back

exhausted by wishing i could become all over again

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lady_Bird_(film) yes i do want to see this & cry the whole time

you did it past me
we're here

pictured is a quote from captain awkward's piece on escaping abuse/a quiet room https://computerfairi.es/media/W1-ikJSYwKBy-mk6ESw

(i went with full)

in 2016 i made a collage map of the way i wanted the word to help me, being forever becoming. all the cards served as important mirrors, showed up for me when hard moments and feelings came, helped me become.

in 2017 who even knows

trying to decide what my word should be for 2018

each year i chose a word to work me/work with and on the first pull 3 cards as guiding forces, tools, lessons insights, comforts/challenges

word chosen: become
three cards 2016: death/ 4 of bottles/5 of fairies (Collective Tarot)

word chosen: tender
three cards 2017: traveller of branches/ace of knives/7 of cups (Slow Holler)

word i chose: ??
cards pulled 2018: ?? (??)

i mean sometimes its saturday night and you bail on the sweaty queer dance party because of being crazy & isolated and instead
drop acid
have a transcendental bath
finish reading "when we were the witches"
masturbate, feeling how you CAN just be touching yourself skin to skin self in self holes
fiercely loving yourself open
warm & wet & wondering at yr own magic
to the braids 2015 album
pulsating to 'miniskirt'
// my mini skirt its mine all mine//

slowly having a breakdown at the bus stop

no phone
no way to communicate to anyone or call a cab
the bus hasn't come for half an hour

that shaking almost crying feeling

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

now forty five minutes now an hour

when you don't have a cute patch, why don't u darn it (;?

sometimes just overwhelmed by the magic of darning

ok but what if i got a knitting machine & started selling cool knitted things

feel very embarrassed about how in love with the nut butter filled cliff bars i am, oooops

just started an accountability process for someone and they responded in all the ways that aren't bad when u learn u hurt someone!!!