thunderstorm crackle dream @hungrychangeling@computerfairi.es

thinking lots about trust & intimacy & relation & coming together & apart

i asked for touch and so many gave me touch the first time i have said that need and felt it met

at this gathering, i said i didn't feel like i needed to be more charismatic more something else more some imagined me, and that usually when i go somewhere with cool people i feel that way, but this time i didn't
maybe because of being all indigenous folk, poc folk, because of all being weirdos, hermits, artists who knows
and my friend said when he saw me on the land he just was glad it was syr and i was there <3, didn't wish i was a different me or someone else

tits out 4 the forest

spent time describing what i practice how i practice this week & am so enamoured of the word practice to describe the ways we be

my practice is play, mess, memory

to witness & to hold

the way finding the cedar grove full of music and friends, under a single visible thru the canopy feels just as enthralling & just as surrounded by berries as seeking the pride weekend warehouse party by the traintracks in the city

back in the city inside the nest i've made for myself

heart still singing with the land i was on the ways i was seen

always falling for a cutie’s invitation to be bad

I offer myself futures

I offer myself relief from the ache and pressure of wanting to make a life with everyone I love / loving easily

feeling all eager and excited to detangle some of my life threads from the big google

engaging with project of personal info security as a project of optimism & nihilism resistance

To have the grace to let myself give myself closure

Went out to a grad party and someone who isn't I my life anymore was there and we danced near each other and briefly said hi and it was ok and tender and achey and ok and that is something

Growing plants from seeds reminds me I am capable and possible and although I can get help and experience mutuality thru cuttings and shoots , I can also start at the beginning thru my own efforts and that's worse then a friends cutting

How to find the part of me that craves approval and permission from everyone around me & get rid of it

What does it mean to be someone who others confide is an inspiration

Why does it feel hard

i process by talking and dancing & love connection & love being love and big whenn i feel safe
and also have extreme anxiety
BUT i do love hanging out with myself and find it grounding and siince i quit facebook i feel so much betterrrr

t: its totally ok to be you, and be less social and more quiet, its totally great to be the you are
me: i feelll like i want be big and shiny and charismatic i'd be happier, i feel resistance
t: have you researched about introvertism? introverts can totally be big and the life of a party, and then when they need to rest they reallly need tbe alone
me: ooooooh maybe this might describe me