thunderstorm crackle dream @hungrychangeling@computerfairi.es
changeling lost somewhere in the woods&lights, tracing out edges&old maps. loving u fierce. holding us close. making up chants w/ permanent scars.
Joined Nov 2017
i'm taking a ukulele class with mostly older ladies, and everyone is so delighted by sexy slime grrl stickers on my instrument; it's nice
it's been awhile, a few selves, since i've **missed** like this; missing her, missing her, missing everyone else in my life then too
how much smaller it is now
give me that reverse grinch
heart 3 sizes smaller
the way everything could be easy if i didn't have to feel outside of any particular moment
it's just hard when i have to trust my own stories own memories own hearts
inside the bus
i catch a glimpse of yr face in the midst of a kind act
hope that we'll cross paths
the spark to being loved right by you again
longing confused heartache sort of evening missing you still not able to understand how i can miss you how i need to take care of my heart
frustrated that i am still so full of love and softness and longing
i wanna go on dates/make friends/make new promises eventually
how do i meet people when i feel like i've already meet every queer person in this city on the edge of the ocean
time is weird
Like always feeling processing transforming for that self of a year to two years ago
fundamental lag fundamental glitch
Like finally collapsing inwards, nesting like I've wanted to for years
Delete Facebook, lock my social media
Make safe
Make safe
Make safe
taking a break from facebook turns out to be the key to unlocking the space to process all yr relational, communal grief & rage
welcome being loved on purpose welcome being loved with words and actions welcome whole time, but still and always as long as we want it woven together time
too 3 of swords and 7 of cups and two of cups to be alive
and there are so many ways of loving & trying
but just
craving deep in my heart in my body for any mutuality or reciprocity in so many of my connections
to have to ache when a connection feels good because of what i then learn about other times
heartsick with the reality of having always needed expectations needed intimate accountabilites heartsick with not believing in the radical revolution of disposable friendship
heartsick with wanting to love you, love us, love me on purpose
heartsick with wanting to always figure out what that means, with being broken open with being broken into pieces by that faith so many times
just wanting everything to be so on purpose
like tell me when you wanna be done, tell me how often we wanna see each other
my heart can't handle loving anyone more than they love me again , or maybe i can handle that
but i can't handle trying with my heart more again
i need to know what we are doing i need to know what you feel like you're doing
i wish i hadn't broken my heart so many times on people & lovers & organizations & friends who couldn't really love me back
exhausted by wishing i could become all over again
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lady_Bird_(film) yes i do want to see this & cry the whole time
you did it past me
we're here
pictured is a quote from captain awkward's piece on escaping abuse/a quiet room https://computerfairi.es/media/W1-ikJSYwKBy-mk6ESw
in 2016 i made a collage map of the way i wanted the word to help me, being forever becoming. all the cards served as important mirrors, showed up for me when hard moments and feelings came, helped me become.
in 2017 who even knows
trying to decide what my word should be for 2018
each year i chose a word to work me/work with and on the first pull 3 cards as guiding forces, tools, lessons insights, comforts/challenges
word chosen: become
three cards 2016: death/ 4 of bottles/5 of fairies (Collective Tarot)
word chosen: tender
three cards 2017: traveller of branches/ace of knives/7 of cups (Slow Holler)
word i chose: ??
cards pulled 2018: ?? (??)
changeling lost somewhere in the woods&lights, tracing out edges&old maps. loving u fierce. holding us close. making up chants w/ permanent scars.
Joined Nov 2017
