magical @magical@computerfairi.es

I want to be that kind of person but I don't know how. how do you seem to spend your every waking moment online? I have a job, and hobbies. I can't be constantly checking my phone.

like I said, I don't think I've made any friends on mastodon. there are people I'd like to be friends with (hi), but I have no idea if they feel the same way. that's because of a basic asymmetry of social media: if I follow you and you post a lot, I start to feel like I know you. but if I don't post very much, you might have no idea I exist.

anyway, to bring us back to the main point, while i'm still super confused about my gender and sexuality, I feel like I've reached a point where it would be super helpful to talk to someone about it. problem is I have no idea who to turn to.

(it's not that I'm trying to hide who I am from all of y'all. more that I'm mortified at the thought of someone who knows me irl finding this account)

and it worked, to a degree. I've posted thoughts and feelings I would never be comfortable with sharing with anyone I knew in person. but I still do most of my soulsearching in diary entries. I haven't been open as I hoped I would. and this idea that I have to keep my identity hidden has caused me to mercilessly segregate these two parts of my life ("normal" me and "feels" me). I've created yet more filters.

I created this account (well, not this one, the previous one on witches.town) to try and push my boundaries -- open up a little, stop being such a wallflower. I thought maybe if I started fresh, with no connection to anyone I knew, with no personal details to lead back to me, I would be a little less afraid. I wanted to get rid of the filters I'd created for myself

I'm a lurker. I follow interesting folks, I read, I learn. occasionally I even have something to say. but I hardly ever interact with anyone.

mastodon has been great because it has given me a window into a community I didn't know I needed, and given me a lot of food for thought, but I can't say I've really made any friends here, and it's probably my fault

I wish I weren't so bad at making friends

or maybe that's not it at all. maybe I'm just giddy that for the first time ever I'm starting to piece together a look that hasn't been prescribed to me

I want to enjoy what I'm wearing

clothing to me has always been less "I look / feel great in this" and more "well, I'm not naked now"

until recently I had never put a whole lot of thought into my appearance

my position has always been "I don't care how I look / I don't care what other people think about me"

that's still true to some extent, but I think what's changed is that I've started to care about how *I* feel about how I look

shopping for clothes for pleasure is kind of a new experience for me

self-actualization is some good shit

tfw you can't sleep because there's so much you want to do

美少年になりたい｡｡｡

now I just need an outfit that lives up to the socks

update:

goodness gracious these are long socks

Being Obsessive Enough To Wiggle The Clothing Tag Barb Back Through Five Layers Of Loosely-Knit Fabric Instead Of Cutting It Off Like A Normal Person: My Life Story