I wish I weren't so bad at making friends
mastodon has been great because it has given me a window into a community I didn't know I needed, and given me a lot of food for thought, but I can't say I've really made any friends here, and it's probably my fault
I'm a lurker. I follow interesting folks, I read, I learn. occasionally I even have something to say. but I hardly ever interact with anyone.
I created this account (well, not this one, the previous one on witches.town) to try and push my boundaries -- open up a little, stop being such a wallflower. I thought maybe if I started fresh, with no connection to anyone I knew, with no personal details to lead back to me, I would be a little less afraid. I wanted to get rid of the filters I'd created for myself
and it worked, to a degree. I've posted thoughts and feelings I would never be comfortable with sharing with anyone I knew in person. but I still do most of my soulsearching in diary entries. I haven't been open as I hoped I would. and this idea that I have to keep my identity hidden has caused me to mercilessly segregate these two parts of my life ("normal" me and "feels" me). I've created yet more filters.
anyway, to bring us back to the main point, while i'm still super confused about my gender and sexuality, I feel like I've reached a point where it would be super helpful to talk to someone about it. problem is I have no idea who to turn to.
like I said, I don't think I've made any friends on mastodon. there are people I'd like to be friends with (hi), but I have no idea if they feel the same way. that's because of a basic asymmetry of social media: if I follow you and you post a lot, I start to feel like I know you. but if I don't post very much, you might have no idea I exist.
I want to be that kind of person but I don't know how. how do you seem to spend your every waking moment online? I have a job, and hobbies. I can't be constantly checking my phone.
moreover, I hate that I mostly use mastodon to post these long, introspective threads. get a blog! where are the dumb jokes? where are the hot takes? where are the mundane thoughts of a normal, living, breathing, well-adjusted human being?
perverse incentives. i don't know how to measure real friendship, so i accept the artificial substitites that we present in its place: follows, stars. I'm terrified that I'll say the wrong thing and lose a follower. why? I don't know
I can't believe that anyone would want to follow me, so I hang onto my followers for dear life. I can't believe anyone would want to hear what I have to say, so I avoid saying anything at all. don't rock the boat. I'm afraid to express an opinion on anything, lest someone disagree. I'm afraid to look stupid. I'm afraid to be wrong.
I crave validation
I'm terrified of rejection
(it's not that I'm trying to hide who I am from all of y'all. more that I'm mortified at the thought of someone who knows me irl finding this account)