lian @slooploon@computerfairi.es

also with what i'm currently eating i probably should not be surprised that my body gives out.

will be a long stretch until august.

maybe it was not a good idea to force myself to do basically anything after no matter how little sleep for like 10 years of my life.

going to school after no sleep? yeah can do.
taking university exams after 2 hours of sleep? naturally!
be out on the airfield vor 12 hours after 3 hours of sleep? every weekend!
12 hours of work after 2 hours of sleep? count me in!

it's just so frustrating. i have so many things i wish i could do but i just can't. part of them because i'm in too much pain, or don't have the physical energy, but also part of it because i need to fucking sleep

it's terrible. it used to be so good for most of 2016 so i really wish i knew why it got so bad again?

which is very "interesting" because i regularly have medical appointments in the mornings. so i get up after 1-4 hours of sleep and then after i come home i go to bed again, take several hours to fall asleep, still don't get enough sleep to be able to do things afterwards

or the other fun thing, when my body randomly decides 3 hours of sleep was enough and i can't any more, but am too exhausted to do anything whatsoever that day, so i just hang around, too tired to even do some housework.

and now my body has completely scrapped the ~ 24 hour rhythm that i had enforced with melatonin supplements, that means i get tired at 5-6 in the mornings

it's excruciating. lying in bed fucking still hurts, it's a lot better with the soft mattress but my joints still sublux & dislocate. there's no position that doesn't hurt.
then i'm too tired to get up again but i can't sleep anyway.

i spend so much time in bed. first a couple of hours trying to fall asleep. then sleeping. then i wake up, feed the cats... and take several hours to fall asleep again. if you spend 14-16 hours in bed every day there's not much of a day left

my cats' rhythm is also messed up, probably because i slept through their cries for food a few times too many. everything is not good

apparently my body stopped trying to do the "circadian rhythm" thing completely.

so, abled people, please call us "disabled people" and not "the disabled".

and other disabled people agreed with me.

i have since figured it out.
it's because, in contrast to "disabled people", "the disabled" makes it seem like it's a defined, homogenous group that is passive & looked at from the outside.

I'm so bothered by the phrase "the disabled"
Idek why. I call myself an autistic, a crip, but "the disabled" annoys me

It's 21:00 and I haven't done my morning routine yet. I've slept too long and then I brushed my teeth and went back to bed and slept some more. This is not a good day. Or rather it's just not a day

I haven't eaten eggs in 10 years. It's like alien glibber

It is kind of gross but I can make myself eat it, that's something at least.
Now comes the waiting for results