wonder what it’s like in the good timeline where hermione is trans and never turned back after
turning into a cat

instead of jewish stereotype goblins, what if the big wizard bank is run by like the wizard version of nerd-ass cybersecurity guys who are just way into making ridiculous overelaborate protection wards and curses and stuff

one of the defense against the dark arts teachers is just a guy from the bank and they get halfway through the semester like "wait, you want to defend a person? like, one that moves? not a room?

(shuffling through notes)

aw shit."

you can keep the shitty book author that ruins things for everyone in Chamber of Secrets but instead of gilderoy lockhart we can call him, iunno

something with a J

i don't think anything can fix JK rowling's OFFICIAL CANON that wizards don't use the bathroom, they just shit themselves

let's just cut that out right from the get-go

either neville can be the actual hero or harry can learn a second fucking spell instead of pretending he's even a real wizard when he just shouts "expelliarmus" at everything like the asshole in every group project who shows up for one (1) meeting just to make sure his name's on the final paper

or both, ideally

also imagine if harry had like actual trauma from his ridiculous childhood or even any sort of complexity or personality at all

i literally cannot remember anything he said in any of the books at all, i would believe you if you told me he was a silent protagonist

he's just there to take credit for hermione's work 90% of the time

literally all he does is let other people take the bullet so he can get his plot device "my mom loved me so i'm special" magic up in a badguy's face

he is a trust fund jock pretending his fuckin pizza delivery job makes him a freedom fighter

remove harry potter, it's unfixable

instead of being a weird creeper about women how about snape is just an unlikeable dingdong because he's kind of socially inept and channels all that energy into being a rad as hell wizard chemist

like instead of "being an asshole is cool if you're horny" his character arc is "sometimes a dude is weird and standoffy because that's just who he is and he actually cares about [main character who is not harry] a lot because he likes his students"

you can still have the reveal where he seems evil but then is a goodguy but it's less "we forgive you for creeping on a lady, wizard man"

"we found out you had a crush on my dead mom, is that why you're so mean to me all the time"

"what??? no!!! jeez!"

"then why-"

"it's because i've explained that newt eyes aren't a real potion ingredient ten times and you still keep using them, if i have to drink another one on test day i'm going to spit it at you"

i'd be willing to buy snape is unfairly mean to harry if i had EVER SEEN HIM SUCCESSFULLY MAKE A POTION INSTEAD OF WASTING EVERYONE'S TIME FILLING A SEAT IN THAT CLASS

just saying

if harry's anything like every fucker i've had in every class who holds up the lesson asking "so wait, can you explain that very basic thing again that i wasn't listening to" then honestly every other student in potions hates him as much as snape does

imagine being such an unrelatable fucker that a guy can tell you "this semester i will literally tell you how to make a potion that makes you breathe fire" and you still come to every class like "ehhh this doesn't seem important"

go fuck yourself, harry potter

also wild that JK rowling is scared of trans women but lionizes a character who spends his entire life harassing a child because he didn't get to fuck his mom 15 years ago, but hey nobody ever accused her of good writing

wizards don't actually give a shit about gender because robes fit everyone anyway

if it has to be a thing then maybe some of them get way like mad-scientist-interested in making cool spells that help with it and it's just seen as a cool thing people can be into sometimes

anyone who is grossed out by trans people just gets looked at like they suggested "hey, maybe magic is a bad idea actually" because honestly, where's your sense of fucking wonder, why are you even in wizard school

ALSO YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUCKED ABOUT GOBLET OF FIRE

instead of "oh, someone signed me up for wizard sports, i guess i am the special boy and our school gets two contestants, that's fair"

it's fuckin "we're obviously not respecting that because it's against the rules, but we're going to pretend to go with it because someone's targeting you and we wanna draw them out, and the other champions agreed because they wanna compete against The Famous Kid for themselves" and it's like harry's first secret agent wizard job, and not just fuckin "well i'm dumbledore and i can do what i want, but literally just a fucking cup says..."

fuckin make the whole book about harry navigating doing a super dangerous job and learning to handle himself as a wizard without teachers helping him, being in the public eye with everyone thinking he cheated, and all three of the other contestants gunning for him directly

goblet of fire could have been SO COOL and it's just fuckin assgarbage

what a shame

also like two of the challenges involved

1) fighting a dragon, and
2) figuring out what mermaidspeak says and diving into a lake to go save someone from a mermaid village

and neither of them involve tf???? just a fuckin broomstick and some seaweed??????? fuck you

hermione should have been the contestant who gets to use her fuckin giant smartbrain to win and harry and ron should have gotten pressed into service as wizard spies to figure out and stop a big plot against her tbqh

"open the egg while you're in water and you'll find out what it means": hell yes

it is just a message and doesn't turn you into a mermaid so you have an advantage during the contest: fuck off

it's literally a giant egg!! it could have been really obvious symbolism if jk rowling wasn't scared of gender!!! god!!!!!