@actuallyautistic @actuallyautistics

My partner, who I live with, left to go on a trip this morning (GMT+1). For the next few days, I will have the house to myself.

About an hour ago, I suddenly realised that I could very easily end up having no human contact until my partner gets back on Monday. As a result, I could end up spiralling mentally and not taking care of myself physically.

While I am someone who appreciates having time to myself, I have learned to recognise that having no human interaction can also be very bad for me too.

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Before I was diagnosed as being autistic, it's times like this where I would start feeling really bad and negative about myself.

I'd feel like a loser. I feel like no-one likes me, because if they did I would already have social plans organised this weekend, or people would be getting in touch with me to invite me to things.

And then, I'd get stuck on how to resolve this issue.

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Back then, like now, I'd want to have human contact but I'd have no idea how to go about getting the human contact that I needed. It would feel overwhelming.

I would blame myself. I'd feel sad that other people are able to socially interact much easier than I was able to.

I'd feel sad that I wasn't "normal".

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I knew something wasn't right but I had no idea what it was.

How could I be so "smart" and yet not be able to figure out such a "simple" thing as how to interact with other people?

How could I get high grades in my school work, and yet have no idea how to build and maintain the types of social relationships that I wanted to build?

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If I hadn't been formally diagnosed as being autistic, I would be feeling the same way now, as I did back then.

But now everything makes a lot more sense.

My diagnosis has given me clarity about so, so many of my past social interactions that left me feeling guilty and anxious.

So much of my life has been spent feeling sad and alone and unlovable.

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I don't feel bad about all that stuff anymore, but I still feel sad.

It can be hard not to wonder how my life would have turned out in alternate timeline - What if I had been diagnosed much earlier in life? What if I had been granted the accommodations I needed at school and in the workplace, in order to feel more comfortable in those spaces?

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I don't feel like a loser anymore. I'm just... different. That's the reason why a lot of people don't understand me and I don't understand them.

I'm not going to have to same type of social life that other people have. And that's fine.

How is this weekend going to turned out?

I don't know.

I won't be wasting any of this weekend thinking and worrying about how to make allistic people like me more, though. And, to me, that's a win.

#autism