@Bette @AutisticAdam @actuallyautistic that's how I (NT) feel in that moment.
Better start with acknowledging the feelings of who told his story first. And maybe add that you made a similar experience some time ago, and it sucked. In this way, it's about their feelings, not about yours.
@stahldame @Bette @AutisticAdam @actuallyautistic
People have different ways of communicating.
I (I'm autistic) tend to default to the "yes that happened to me too" style to show fellow feeling.
NT people misunderstand that as me trying to center myself, so I try not to do it.
NT people, on the other hand, hardly ever attempt to accommodate *my* communication style. It's all on me to accommodate them.
It's ironic that it's NT people who seem unable to imagine that people can be different, and who lack empathy for people having different ways of communication, and resort to black and white thinking π
Since all of those are supposed to be autistic traits.
@stahldame @Bette @AutisticAdam @actuallyautistic
Some examples of the ways I have to constantly edit myself. Notice how most of these are about assuming that everything is about hierarchy, status, in group, out group:
Don't ask questions for clarification, people will interpret that as a challenge to their authority.
Don't tell a non friend something personal, they'll see it as a bid for a closer relationship that may come with obligations.
Don't try to help another person unless they asked you to, they'll interpret it as a power play or insult to their competence.
Don't share your understanding of a topic with too much confidence, you'll be accused of being patronising, another type of power play.
Don't be too earnest, it's a signal of weakness and low status to NTs
@Zumbador @stahldame @Bette @AutisticAdam @actuallyautistic
Gosh, I've bookmarked this list for consideration, but yes, π―% it cuts both ways.
For me a satisfying conversation has both sides contributing their experiences of a domain to expand our shared data set & understanding.
Being Q'ed helps me clarify thought.β€οΈ
If I have a problem OF COURSE I want useable suggestions - far more than sympathy.
"Light" conversations without good info exchange are unedifying drudgery => rudely wasteful.π¬
@Zumbador @stahldame @Bette @AutisticAdam @actuallyautistic
The way of thinking you've taught yourself to accommodate, @Zumbador, is so outwith my realm of understanding that
1) I don't think I could remember all those bizarre rules in live action conversation.
2) It's so *wrong* from my perspective I don't think I could *want to*.
Also: why did I never learn these things from reading novels? Are the lessons clear in stories but I missed them; or are they never spelt out. And if not, why?
I know these rules in theory, and sometimes in practice, but I'm always messing up in live conversation @FrightenedRat.
There's just too much to process for me to remember these things, especially when dealing with strangers or several people at once.
I've unfortunately internalised a lot of the judgement involved, so every time I catch myself "interacting wrong" I have to deal with the automatic reaction of shame and embarrassment.
Ya know, I don't really mind the "automatic reaction" part, it's the dwelling on it for days afterward, replaying the moment it went sideways, and thinking of what *should* have happened.
@ScottSoCal
Totally. The constant replays. Ugh. Or the sudden realisation after an interaction is already over.
@actuallyautistic