@ScottSoCal

Grief does not have a schedule. I did not cry when my mother died. A psychiatrist hypothesized that I had possibly pre-grieved. My mother had a difficult life. She was bipolar and alcoholic, and she was most likely an undiagnosed autistic woman too. She tried to kill herself when I was a kid. (The details are nebulous.)

I do miss her terribly. I think she'd be proud of me. (Contrary to my jerk father, who is only proud of himself.)

I did cry when my marriage ended. I did cry when I had a painful breakup. Heck, I still cry about that breakup.

Again, grief has no schedule.

@actuallyautistic

@ScottSoCal @actuallyautistic
It takes its own time for us and follows its own schedule. Often that is effected by the nature of the deaths.
With both of my parents it was expected and in my mother's case a kindness in the way she went. In my sister's case it was far more of a shock and unexpected and hit me harder.
There is also a dark shadow to deaths. Not just the what might have beens that could have been positive. But the fact that many times they open old wounds. It's entirely possible that we sometimes take our time to process them, because we have to be ready to face reliving that pain.

@ScottSoCal @actuallyautistic

I had a very good relationship with my mom, but I *still* ended up having some very complicated (partly bottled up) feelings that I didn't manage to process myself until I had (professional) help.

So to me, it makes complete sense that it'd be even more complicated for you. Perhaps even grieving more what "could have been" and less what actually was. Either way, I agree with the sentiment in other answers that there is no right/wrong way to process the death of a parent, especially one who for reasons have been ... complicated to deal with.

@ScottSoCal @actuallyautistic

Depression. I became alcoholic after my wife died, and fourteen years later I'm still working on it. I'm sick and tired of burying loved ones.

@ScottSoCal I lost my wife in June ‘18 but I didn’t get that crushing sense of grief until a few months later. I just wanted to die and stared at the windows of my hotel room, wondering how hard I needed to run at it for the glass to break. Before then, I was just numb.

It still hurts at times now but at least I’m not in any rush to end my life. I’m just not that fussed about living, that’s all.

@ScottSoCal @actuallyautistic I'm sorry to read about your mother. I also have a complex relationship with my mother. That, in an of itself, is an uncomfortable thing. As for grieving, my answer falls into the dreaded "it depends."

For people/beings with whom I have a good relationship, I shut down, cram my feelings into a mental compartment and hold that compartment with great care and fear. I used to grieve normally, but I put an end to that. (Long story)

For those for whom my relationship is more complicated, it usually takes a long time to grieve. For my grandmother it took decades and struck me suddenly one day. My father has been dead 22 years and I've yet to grieve.

For me, I think I need time to process the complexity and how I relate to the whole story. There's so much to understand in familial relationships, especially ones that are strained. As I learn more about myself and the family history of those before me, the context becomes clearer allowing me to grieve.

@ScottSoCal @actuallyautistic From what you’ve described, it sounds like you started grieving her a long time ago, when you realized your relationship would never be what it could’ve been. This happens a lot to people who walk away from a parent, including myself.

So perhaps you’re just further along in your grief journey than you gave yourself credit for ❤️