“Don’t assume, ask” - is the approach I share. However, there are many people to whom asking seems like something rude and inappropriate. And those people would assume.
The thing is, I am one of those people that usually can’t be accurately assumed: if you’d think a person that does this and this would also do that, the one who likes this and this would hate that and so on - most probably, I’d not follow that pattern. For that very reason I’ve been called ‘eclectic’, or less politely - ‘messy’, ‘illogical’, and all sorts of weird - most of my life, and for that very reason some people are kinda afraid of me: they can’t predict because their assumptions aren’t correct.
In turn, for me it’s very frustrating/confusing to see that someone is offended by me asking directly instead of assuming because all I want is to avoid any misunderstanding and clarify things.
I feel like #AuDHD is quite an eclectic thing per se(due to some #autism aspects looking from a certain point of view as opposite to those of #ADHD), so maybe that is the key to me being so, well, contradictory in eyes of other people.
I wonder, if that asking is just #autistic desire to have things clear and precise, or assuming/asking divide does not correspond to the NT/ND one
#neurodivergent
@actuallyautistic
@olena @actuallyautistic
I'm not autistic just ADHD, but I've had to teach myself in recent years to have the courage to ask instead of wildly guessing what people mean/want.
Like you say, many people seem to find it rude to ask for clarification, but I've realized that it isn't worth worrying about the opinion of anyone who is going to get mad at someone for trying to understand and get something right.
@olena @actuallyautistic
It's still hard making myself ask though because it does often turn out when I ask that I am (apparently) the only one who thought of alternative ways to do something or alternative meanings, so people are puzzled by my questions because they thought the thing they said could only mean one thing, but... That's why I ask.
@artemis @actuallyautistic at work, one of the main things I do is mediating between two sides each of which thinks everything is absolutely clear while actually they are talking about completely different things - and describing things in a way that would allow minimum misinterpretation, and making others ask questions and answering those questions until everything is actually clear for everyone involved. Usually, if from start someone says ‘everything is clear’ - they surely got something seriously wrong.
@olena @artemis @actuallyautistic ha! This is me during almost all work related discussions. Thanks for elaborating in a way that I could make [better] sense of this. [I am and most of my life have been quite aware that I'm very good in translations between different groups, professions/specializations as well as different belief or knowledge systems, but now I believe that the #ASD has a greater and somewhat other influence than I thought!!]
@rebekka_m @artemis @actuallyautistic you know, first years at job I was like: no, it can’t be, I can’t be the only one participating in the discussion who sees they are talking about different thing, right? Right?
One of my most-used meeting phrases is "I think the two of you are talking past each other. You're talking about X, and the other one is talking about Y."
@Susan60 @ScottSoCal @rebekka_m @artemis @actuallyautistic one of the most frustrating things about it for me probably is when people would make assumptions about me, guess wrong and than be offended that I would not act in a way they assumed I would, that I “am not what they thought I am”.
@olena @ScottSoCal @rebekka_m @artemis @actuallyautistic
Yes! How dare you disappoint them that way! 🤦🏻♀️
@Susan60 @olena And then they double down, and make the whole situation ten times worse for themselves. @ScottSoCal @rebekka_m @artemis @actuallyautistic
@ScottSoCal @olena @rebekka_m @artemis @actuallyautistic
I think some “assumptions” are so “obvious” to some people that they regard them as facts, and as facts that everyone knows.
We can tell people not to make assumptions, but that only works if they’re aware of making assumptions. It might be more helpful to suggest that something they regard as a well known & established “fact”, might not be regarded that way by other people.