Today was a really emotionally heavy day, and now I find myself having trouble getting to sleep the night before I need to drag myself into a morally objectionable job for an unaccomodating amount of time.
I had a heavy therapy session, continuing on our last session's stumble across my well of eternal sadness. I also managed to pose my self-dx autism to my therapist and she responded much better than I expected-- incorporating audial sensitivity directly into our work activity.
I barely had time to rest before I thrust myself into a local long-term group for unpacking whiteness, following the excellent "Me and White Supremacy Workbook" by Layla F. Saad.
This is also pretty heavy stuff, especially for negotiating my complicated relationship to cultural, ethnic, and racial identity right now in comparison to the definitive mutualisms between everyone else who shows up.
I often forget how many people feel unambiguous about their background.
Straight after that, I made this mistake of asking a question in a Leftbook group which insinuated that the group might actually be trash at being safe for, accomodating, and accessible to other types of disabled people than whatever the admins and mods deal with (without ever talking about it publicly).
Because tbh it is. It's not autistic-friendly and I have no idea how to convey this as being unrelated to allistic white fragility. I doubt I can even if I wanted to.
In the same thread there was an ableist response from a mod, trivializing disability because... idk it was a certain type they didn't take seriously?
And after I said I was concerned, I was told that they are vigilant about ableist comments.
...really? Are you really, though?
Maybe the best piece of information I really got out of the exhange is that the mods feel constantly overwhelmed by focusing on keeping the space vehemently anti-racist, and want more group members to step up in areas they can't address.
But I'm not sure how that's supposed to work when the culture around anti-racism literally enables allistic violence.
The community is serving someone, that's for sure. It's not serving everyone no matter how many times they say otherwise.
I'm frankly not sure why this was a threat in the first place, either. The whole thing feels really gross and I'm starting to feel cr*zy.
Like I definitely need to back out of that space and take some serious measures to weed this noise out of my life.
I can't keep having insomnia because of something like this.
@loptr_punk Leftbook is an awful cesspool of centrist, brocialist and cultists
