I'm going to go get Burger King and then watch Cats, cuz I have no regard for what I put in my body.

Alright I got my ticket. This theater empty. I should add I’ve never seen anything Cats related. I’ve only absorbed it through cultural osmosis.

Hold up one other person has showed up here! Let us surf the River Styx together!

Oh god even before the movie starts there’s awful CGI animal. The Call of the Wild has cartoony cgi dogs that do not look good at all.

Fuck I heard of Dr. Dolittle being a shit show but I had no idea it was one of those edgy remakes like Maleficent or Alice in Wonderland. Hot Topic ass Dolittle. They play a fucking somber remix of What a Wonderful World.

Here we fuckin go.

The synths! I feel like I’m stuck in a 90s point and click adlib cars game

Uhhh some of these cats got tennis shoes on. WHAT THE FUCK THE MICE HAVE CHILD FACES! Accurate in showing the roaches being eaten by the cat.

They made a reference to Jason Derulo cat being neutered cuz he hits the high notes. Uhhh none of these cats got genitals? Why would you point that out? Is that in the original? Do they reference cat balls?

The fat cat gives me Mike Myers Cat in the Hat vibes. This movie is just Cat in the Hat but horny.

Every time Macavity teleports I think the movies gunna cut to the opening of X-men United.

Just saw Judi Denchs real hand with a wedding ring so I think this is pre-patch Cats. 1.0 Cats has some more advanced speed tech that save time over the patched version.

Finally a scene that takes advantage of this being a movie! So much of the movie feels like it’s on stage. Scenes locked to their location like it’s an actual stage. Also they’re catering to the horny train conductor furries.

Taylor Swift putting on a vague British accent. No.

All those that said Cats was horny af, they were right but they’re newbies. I’ve seen way hornier, if anything the movie needed more horny to do it justice.

That was fine I spose. Very much just a straight adaptation of a play. Didn’t really play with the film medium. Ofc Webber was never gunna allow that. Compared to Phantom by Schumacher at least this movie is technically sound.