Anyway I don’t think I really *need* anything besides information right now, and I’m not having any difficulty getting that. I think most of this psych process is just so they can feel they aren’t completely abandoning me once I’m discharged.

All I needed from them was to know if my tics could be helped or explained and I got the answer, next I can figure out how I deal with that answer on my own.

Me (learning about how some people with sensory issues can find lights/sounds or other stimulation to be very painful): Wow that’s rough, I’m glad that doesn’t happen to me.

Me (hearing a sharp sound in a bright room): Ah! Ow!

Ugh even the little tinkle sound ivory made when sending that toot, I felt it in my neck.

Anyway I’m having a particularly sensitive afternoon I guess, but I’m just trying to enjoy how funny it is that I continue to be completely oblivious about what my own experience is, even when I’m trying to focus on it. Of course I’ve dealt with painful light, sounds, textures, smells, etc… but only now do I realise OH, that pain is pain! It counts as pain!

Great, turning my volume all the way down it still makes the noise, gonna put my iPad under a pillow to send this one but I had a thought I want to share:

It’s interesting how something as apparent as pain can be there and not noticed because like, it wasn’t supposed to be there. And I don’t mean in the sense that I shouldn’t be experiencing pain, but that this pain in particular was not socially recognised so I was unable to truly see it for what it was.

Like, there is a whole process of diagnosing when you’re a kid and you say “I don’t feel good”, and some stuff will be recognised and categorised (a headache, a poorly tummy, a scratch, etc, maybe even feeling sad), but if some things are just “overreacting” or “just imagination” then you learn to disregard those feelings yourself too, even though they are still happening they aren’t “real”.

Unlocked another memory of doing autistic shit as a child:

When I was really young, I loved to answer the front door. LOVED IT. I’ve had a much more troubled history with that since then, but at the time it was kind of predictable, it was only ever one of three things and I could excel at the appropriate responses to each:
- Post, I take the post upstairs to my parents
- Guests, I go up and tell my parents
- My bossy friend, I do pretty much whatever he wants to do

BUT!

One afternoon I heard the doorbell, rushed excitedly to the door, swung it open…

And there stood a random kid from school I didn’t talk to, who smiled and said “trick or treat!”

I immediately slammed the door shut, locked it, and ran upstairs. I was not prepared for Halloween lol, and so yeah I didn’t excitedly rush to the front door after that.

I think it’s common for autistic folks to really appreciate things where the protocols are clear and we can excel at performing them, but also that a single experience where things go off-script can ruin it for a loooong time afterwards. There’s safety in a reliable procedure, and finding yourself lost in that is a loss of safety, it’s really scary!

Just had my first time at a checkout being non-verbal whilst actually understanding that I was non-verbal. That alone made it so much less stressful. I was still able to communicate what I needed with a couple of gestures, and was able to smile so I don’t think the other person thought I was being rude. Muuuuuch preferable to forcing myself to choke out some words/grunts and be upset at myself, making everyone else think I’m mean and grumpy.

So angry at the way autism topics are dominated by allistic people. I’m glad that parents of autistic kids are able to talk about an issue, I’m glad that there is research looking into a connection between autism and that issue, but when I need help understanding or coping with it myself none of this is helpful to me. That this is 100% of search results is so frustrating and a waste of my time when I need help.

See, every year at about this time I’ll post something like “we’re not destroying the environment fast enough lol” because I’m having a hard time with hay fever

Now, I realise “there’s probably a link between sensory processing issues and hay fever symptoms!” Since I understand this possibility I can look for help specific to autistics dealing with hay fever

But it’s so much harder to do because all the results are not that, they are from people outside of autism looking in

Anyway in the end the best thing I could do was just research hay fever in general and note how my experience differed.

Turns out, hay fever isn’t usually painful or overwhelming. For most people it’s just a bunch of extra discomfort while your face does gross things. For me it’s like I have millions of minuscule needle monsters scratching the inside of my face, it dominates my entire experience and after it goes on for a while it HURTS.

None of this is helped by parents noting that their kids have more meltdowns during allergy season, or that there appears to be a link between occurrence of autism and allergies. But those seem to be all the results when I look for hay fever and autism info together.

I just wanted to know I wasn’t alone, and those are not sources I can trust. I’d rather have found something like this thread - a personal account to say “yeah this happens”

(I am aware of the irony of saying this in a CW’d thread with unlisted posts. That’s not the point though. The point is autistics somewhere must have talked about this before, but I can’t find that because their voices are drowned out.)

So this morning I have been looking into how autistics apparently look young for their age (which is definitely something I’ve experienced, I’m 36 and this year is the first when I ever bought an age-restricted item without being asked for ID). There are two common explanations: we are less expressive & spend more time alone not emoting, so fewer wrinkles. Also, apparently we are more prone to childlike mannerisms.

Citation needed on that last one tho, I think it’s better explained that we simply don’t adopt typical adult mannerisms as much, which isn’t the same.

Anyway I also have a few theories:
- It could be just confirmation bias!
- many of us spend less time in the sun, that is huge IMO
- plenty of us are trans, and HRT is basically ambrosia
and finally:

- It isn’t true at all, we just hear that we look young for our age from older people - but on average so does everyone in our own generations. We genuinely are ageing slower thanks to changes in diet, hygiene, medicine, sun block, etc. if you ask a younger person how old you look they are much more likely to give you a bigger number. It’s not an autistic thing just a pattern that we are more likely to spot because… well, autism and patterns.

This evening’s thought is a little regret at being annoyed at people for not acting like I did WRT things we apparently had in common. Specifically, at uni I studied game design, and game design had been my special interest for a long time. I got really frustrated how (almost) everyone else there had no sense of urgency to learn everything they could about gamedev, it felt like nobody was taking it seriously.

But looking back I recognise that wasn’t fair of me. Everyone approaches things differently, even things they’re passionate about. And I can’t fault their approach compared to mine, I burned out & dropped out in the final year. I certainly learned a lot and developed skills I still use daily, but it came at a cost that probably wasn’t worth it.

Not that I had much choice, young and no idea I was autistic I had no reason to think my energy was finite. A crash was inevitable.

Anyway yeah, learning the ways I need to be easier on myself, and also on neurotypical people. Everyone has their own struggles and ways of coping, and nobody has it all completely figured out.

Besides what does any of it matter anyway, if you’re living a good life who cares if you’re adequately pursuing your passion. Do what is right for you, be happy.

I need to back up some files, clean the dishes, and sweep the kitchen floor.

Knowing now that struggling to figure out what order to do these things in is an ND thing helps me get less frustrated about it, but it does make me wonder what magic NT people have in their head that just gives them some sequence they can follow.

It is annoying but literally anybody can cast immobilise on an autistic person by giving them more than one task and not giving them an order to do the tasks in.

Maybe that’s why we so frequently have demand avoidance and strict routines, it’s the only way we can make any kind of progress through each day.

Anyway, order decided: backup, floor, dishes

(Backup: requires computer to be on, best to do it before the room gets too hot this afternoon.

Floor: I’ll be standing on when doing the dishes, it’ll be unpleasant to stand on a crumb during.

Dishes: least urgent)

In theory I’ll never be stumped by this set of problems again, but in reality every day is different. I’m going to be stumped by this set of problems again.

(And even now I’m questioning the logic like “oh but what if I need dishes because doing the floor makes me hungry??”

Life is hell)

This morning I’m looking back at my medical history with things like “depression disorder” and thinking “it was probably just autistic meltdowns.”

then I remember that I am on antidepressants right now and don’t get super depressed even when I am burned out or having a meltdown. Medication that works is almost scary lol.

“Antidepressants? Why am I taking these? I’m not depressed!

…

oooooooh wait, I’m not depressed because I’m taking antidepressants. Got it.”

Anyway yeah I’m looking at a snapshot/summary of my medical history that was included in the assessment I went through last month. I recognise most of it but some stuff I don’t remember at all, like a second tonsillectomy? And… asthma? 99.9% certain I don’t have asthma but I should probably find my full history and check what that actually was (my guess is panic attacks).

Just had my first ever dream where I went non-verbal and just switched to my AAC app for talking.

It’s super cool how quickly my mind has just gone “oh okay, cool, this is part of me and I can rely on it whenever I need to.”

Honestly I’m super grateful that I’ve been able to find my backup voice. Even though I don’t have to use it very often, having it there means I’m able to face more situations and know I’ll be okay in them.

Also, it’s fucking cool to be a cyborg that can talk through nearby machines.

Also also, I never fucked with voice training to begin with but if I feel like a change now I can just download a different voice lol

Since I've not talked about it in detail yet:

AAC is Augmented and Alternative Communication, basically any system to help people with difficulties communicating. This can be things like cards a person can display, to TTS (text-to-speech).

The AAC app I use is a TTS system that I can customise with common phrases and parts of sentences, type into for specifics, and easily display what I'm saying.

The app is super customisable, I can make my own categories and phrases in advance, colour them, give them pictures for their buttons, make the button display something different to the phrase (so I can have a button to say my address, without displaying my address in every conversation).

Link is here if you're interested, I use the android version which is free, but has some extra features if you pay: https://www.asoft.app/

Personally I don't tend to use image icons since my reading is pretty good even if I'm stressed, but I do use colours to find certain things more quickly - super helpful if you have a little color associated synesthesia

Anyway, long story short: I have a backup voice in my back pocket at all times. And surprisingly just having it makes using my primary voice easier because I don't have to stress about whether it will fail or not, less stress means less time non-verbal. 👍

(Changing meds while the seasons change)

WHAT THE FUCK ARE TIME AND TEMPERATURE!? THESE ARE COMPLETELY RANDOM PHENOMENA, THAT I REMEMBER THEM EVER MAKING SENSE IS SURELY AN ILLUSION!

Sometimes my body just decides to sleep and I have no idea when I’ll wake up or who I’ll be when I do.

Which might sound scary but mostly it’s inconvenient, I have things to do!

Something I’m learning lately is how to recognise red flags that can indicate I’m on a path to a meltdown. Tic attacks, being unable to focus for an extended period, excessive pacing. It’s useful to be able to catch so I can make changes, but it is worrying how often it all happens. Some stuff is genuinely scary though, strong dissociation especially, though not the dissociation itself…

Like, if I recognise thinking “oh I was agitated before, but I’m fine now even though I’m in the same environment. I must have acclimated, awesome.”

There is now an alarm in my head that is like “WOAH. WARNING. WE DO NOT ACCLIMATE. YOU ARE DISSOCIATING FROM THE SITUATION. YOU ARE TAKING DAMAGE WITHOUT NOTICING IT. GETOUTGETOUTGETOUT.”

Which is useful information! But also it’s scary to know you’re fucked up and getting worse and that you won’t know how bad till later.

It’s like walking around in a game with a passive toxin effect. Before I didn’t even know which areas were toxic, but now I’m seeing poison clouds through my whole life and sometimes there’s no other way but to walk through them. It explains so much of my experience before, that I was oblivious to it, but now I recognise how harmful environments are to me they are even more scary in some ways, even though I’m learning how to protect myself in them.