and the whole thing where, like, if you get to 30+ with no long-term sustaining relationships

everyone else in roughly your maturity bracket should have like 2-4 already? and *should* have lives and interests and hobbies that extend beyond any one relationship

like, anyone worth consuming will have better things to do than let me consume them.

I guess what I want is something like the stereotypical teenage(?) relationship where you don't really know who you are & you don't really know who they are either & so you just want to mush yourself up with them and try to approximate being a whole person together?

except w/ everyone involved having a mature sense of self & bringing a whole person with history to the relationship

so the opposite of that, I guess, except kinda. still. like.

like I don't think 20y/os really have the self-awareness or emotional competence to be committing to big lifelong relationships

but at the same time

it doesn't feel like you're supposed to go through your 20s without having someone like that, either. like you should have an anchor or a counterweight to figure this shit out with.