Fun fact about me:
You frequently do have to tell me twice.
It isn't that big of a deal though. I don't know why so many people brag about only needing to be told once. Repeating for clarity and to ensure the task was properly understood improves the outcome. Everyone should try it.
Although, if I'm honest... You don't actually need to tell me twice. It's just that I frequently need a bit of time to process what I just heard, so I've learned that if I say "what?" that most people will repeat themselves which gives me a moment to make sense of the words.
My wife knows this, and she will frequently just give me a look without saying anything. It works just fine.
Huh, interesting. My daughter does this, where she’ll say “what”, and I often rephrase, thinking that I was unclear in instruction, but perhaps we’re dealing with a signal collapse, in that she needs processing time, but I assume message not received. Very interesting. I will raise the topic with her, and possibly we can avoid conflict in future.
Thanks!
@MissConstrue Oh! I hope this leads to you both understanding her better!
I would probably be careful about how you ask, because she may not be aware of it. I wasn't for a long time.
All of us in the house are neurodivergent in one way or another (aren’t we all, really…what is normal), so we’re fairly good at not being defensive if approached with “hey I noticed a thing…” or “it feels to me like….” We’ve all become fairly good at not starting with “you do a thing”.
@MissConstrue
@madewokherd Good!
If you feel comfortable doing so, I'd love to hear how this goes.
I'm just sitting here thinking how wonderful it would have been to have a parent recognize this and help me understand it when I was a kid, instead of having to work it out in my 40s.
@minego @madewokherd Whereas I feel guilty for not recognizing it when she was much younger. Because she was so high performing as a child, when her grades dropped off a cliff, and she just didn’t do homework, I was angry because it felt deliberate. She so smart, I’d think, why is she refusing to do the work?
After her diagnosis, I scheduled family therapy with a neuropsychologist, and amongst the things we discussed is that I had an incredibly abusive childhood where anything less than perfection was punished, so I learned to make lists and check them constantly to make sure I was top performing all the time, and that carried over to adulthood, this absolute terror of not being in control of everything, everywhere, all at once. And so it didn’t make sense to me that someone wouldn’t do that if struggling with time management, and it made no sense to her that I *would* do that, because why, if it’s not important?
I let go of the reins on her reality and things got way better.
@MissConstrue
@madewokherd I have a lot of similar experiences with my kids. I feel guilty for not understanding their brains earlier.
But, I have to remind myself that I didn't even understand my brain when they were younger. My own process of discovery started after my youngest was diagnosed as autistic at 2. As I learned more about it and saw autistic traits in him it was often followed by realizing that I have the same traits.
We learn and adjust. You sound like a wonderful parent to me.
@minego @madewokherd 🥰 I’ve been on that same arc of discovery. What’s cool is that it’s letting me find my tribe, and given me internal permission to just not deal with some people. 🥳
@MissConstrue It is pretty fucking awesome, isn't it!?
@madewokherd
@MissConstrue @minego @madewokherd I often don't even know whether I didn't hear the message or need more time processing it until I say "what?" and the person has half repeated it and I suddenly understand the whole thing.
@madewokherd Only if it is the same words. If they are repeating the thing I'm processing then it actually helps with the processing, but it isn't required.
If they word it differently the second time around then I am basically starting over from scratch.