i want to kill myself. i won't, because i physically can't, but it's a sentiment i need to type out to vent. i want to kill myself. please don't report this tweet because i already have several fake twitter case numbers that don't actually do anything and i'll just mock that
mental health is so fucking volatile i cannot possible feel wanted or needed by anything in this earthly confinement & i just want to remove myself from the equation to make things less troublesome for everyone distancing themselves from me every time i say i want to kill myself
tired of feeling like i live on the outside of everything. i'm gonna subtweet but i'm tired of mutuals fawning over vtubers who won't ever know them but never show up to my vtuber streams. i want more attention. i'm not "making threats" for attention, i'm just verbalising my mood
if you just can't give me attention but give others attention, i guess i'd kinda like something to signal that instead of just having to play the guessing game of "is this person following me on mute"
i'm tired of not being a part of anything cool my mutuals are doing
i'm purposefully using the word mutuals here because my sensory input for parasocial relationships is warped enough that i don't know what a friend is anymore and i don't believe i have any
and if you're going to silently unfollow me for having feelings i'd rather air out rather than bottle up and cause more problems in the long run, instead of actually discussing things with me whether they're positive or negative, you have less courage than i have right now
if your excuse is "well you locked replies to this thread because you're not following me", my DMs are wide open for message requests from non-followers if you want to reach out. i'm not much for words right now, but knowing someone gives a damn helps
i'm just going to delete all these tweets in the morning anyway as usual whenever i have a very real and sensible breakdown anyway because i need to keep up the ~*~status quo~*~ so who gives a shit.
i'm fully aware this kind of "neediness" is what made my exes & ex-friends perpetuate a gaslight abt me being an abuser but i don't think it's unreasonable to have abandonment issues to a breaking point when uwu good vibes people keep fake-preaching "it's ok to need attention"
of course i don't expect this from every single person randomly following me but if we're *mutuals* and you have a *reason* you're not able to follow my work the same way to publicly follow the work of much more famous people than me, i'd like to know what i'm doing wrong
i'm tired of being given space. that's not help.
and if it's all the same to you, yes, begrudgingly i do have a therapist thank you very much. it doesn't help the core issue.