something that's slowly dawning on me is how i never realized that by following everybody's advice that i "should be less shy" or "less introverted" in order to finally make a single friend, how vulnerable it made me, and how constantly it's been hurting me over the years
this is the only advice i was ever given when i cried out as a kid that i have no friends. i have to be less shy. i have to be less introverted, join conversations i wasn't invited to. my mom went as far as saying shy people don't go to heaven.
and trying to force myself to do those things, to put myself out there invading other people's spaces in order to try to befriend them, only ever hurt me. maybe there was a semblance or fake belonging there for a while, but it always crashed down like a house of cards
i'm still hurting. i've been hurting for years. i still don't know how to make friends. i don't know how others do, and i envy those who can.