in retrospect, I think I've been using the word "libido" wrong. inside my brain I use the word to mean something different to the common definition

for me, "having a libido" has always meant sometimes going hypomanic and building something related to sex, e.g. a webXR hypno game or a vibrator (in the same 3-day span, btw)

the counterfactual to that—which I'm currently experiencing—appears to be "I'm still able to experience sexual attraction/gratification but it's not even a little extreme"

so I guess the *real* problem is that I'm vanilla now and don't want to be