I'm in pain. I'm going to be in pain tomorrow. Probably from the moment I wake up. I'll get out of bed anyway, make coffee, and wait for the rest of the day until there's something to do. I'll be in pain that entire time. I won't play a game, I won't draw, or build, or paint, because I can't, the pain over rides every other muscle movement I'd make, saps my ability to focus on anything.
I don't have a point to this. I'm too tired to really be angry about this anymore. I'll just keep waiting
You can put together any image of how hard a disabled persons life is in your head you like, but it won't be remotely accurate unless you understand just how bored, how empty constant pain makes you, how drained and apathetic you can get when no effort makes it go away, and you'd rather just lay in bed all day because if you're going to be in pain and unable to do anything, you might as well be doing it laying down.
Sometimes you desperately want to hurt yourself or even kill yourself just go have any agency over your pain for once, to be the one who decides how much pain you're in and why just for a bit. It's certainly not healthy but it feels like the only chance I'd ever get to have any control, and I can't say I'm not constantly tempted
Tomorrow morning I will wake up alone in a bed meant for two, I will think about hurting myself as I make my coffee, maybe I'll eat, I'll suffer pain that I cannot bear and I'll only pass through it by becoming something that isn't a person anymore, by shedding enough of myself to not care that I can't do anything. I'll reply to people like Millie would any other day, I'll laugh with my partner and watch videos together and I will be in pain for every second of it.
