FatMadiVersA @FatMadiVersA@computerfairi.es

So I’m moving to that shared flat this weekend and although I’m happy I’m more and more anxious and overwhelmed especially as some of the social workers weren’t reliable although I told them I need help with structuring etc so I had two big meltdowns on Friday and Saturday that my partner couldn’t take it anymore and said if this continues to happen in the new place he will leave me now on top of everything I’m afraid to loose him

I got a phone call yesterday evening that the people who I got to know through the party want me to move in with them
Finally after 9 month of searching for a flat share in #berlin after sooo many rejections and fails there are people who want me although I’m trans and disabled
I’m so happy and relieved but also anxious that I might get into new problems and not manage well to find the support network I need that something is goioing to go wrong again

@FatMadiVersA the shaared flat is for 7 ppl and on the outskirts of town but not far to more central places

Got invited to a private party on Saturday wich hasn’t happened for ages
It was really great although I knew only one person I felt super accepted I danced half the night and although there were cis men around I didn’t feel awkward
Also had nice conversations and then in the morning I found out that one person was looking for a new roommate I said I was interrested and told that I’m trans and disabled and they had no problem with that so they invited me to come there on Wednesday yaaaay

I just read that calling someone ableist for saying things like lame and moron is trivialising and babying actually disabled ppl and that they use such language all the time and that its normal my hair stands on end and my nails curl right now
I mean wtf??. Yes I know internalised ableism, I have that too but can’t people just admit it? Like saying it’s usually common but it’s internalised and we try to make it better

I started #loomknitting again this time the second legwarmer I don’t know wich yarn this is
But I really should stay at it I still have a sock yarn shawl a scarf with hjertegarn yarn and a hat for my beloved on the line of wips #knitting #yatn

@FatMadiVersA in the beginning of December I heard completely good my partner makes jokes that I could hear a feather fall to the ground
I’m a musician I love sound I don’t know what I’d do if that was taken away from me
Even now I don’t hear when a note is out of tune unless it’s like a half tone
Wants to bang my head on the wall and scream but no I’m reasonable

I had noises and strange feelings in my ear and then it started on my left ear so I went to the doctor yesterday and she did some tests and said to me that I have a light hearing difficulty (dont know the word for Schwerhörigkeit) and it’s probably caused by the stress in my living situation wich I can only change when I can move into that new place
She also said it could get worse or stay the same they don’t know
This makes me so afraid and I feel so helpless

I came across this video it’s educating for multiples and allies https://youtu.be/pxr0rrsiYnI

@FatMadiVersA I’m so done with all that and wish I could fast forward to February or March where I’m moving some where else but I don’t know if things will get better then I have been dealing with shit for years

Soooo due to a woman beating herself up constantly under my room and being verbally aggressive to me and my partner I have got acute Tinnitus I went to the hospital they won’t do anything and I told the social workers where I live its not ok and they don’t do anything either the doc in hospital just told me to loose weight

What I liked about Munich
Nice landscape green city
Some foods
The streets and train station are better cared for
People being more chill
Things I like about living in Berlin
More opportunities for trans people to get help
Open queer community and a bigger variety on groups etc
More left wing shops collectives and house projects
Much more space for subculture and other cultures
The different foods you have access to here
This thing about not caring so much what you wear

I wish all who celebrate a happy #yule may you have a good time with less stress and love and warmth in your heart

So yesterday I was in a yarn store and next to it there was a clothes shop so I looked inside and found a cool red leggings in my size wich is not so easy in small clothes shops but the cool thing was that the owner of the shop didn’t know wich pronouns to use and as my partner said sier it was ok and didn’t ask why
now I’m home with too much yarn for my one room but this incident made me happy

Maybe I’m too oldfashioned but I more like posts in the format of discussions like old forums used to be thatswhy i like reddit but there are not so many queer/feminist ppl from Germany there or in general ppl i follow

So lately I’ve developed Akne wich is not unusual for people taking t nut why on earth does it have to develop on my HEAD and in my underwear area I couldn’t sleep last night because it was itching spooo much.
Cold seems to help abit I discovered while going to town with my partner but I can’t stay outside all day or run around with a coolpack on my head because it’s snowing and effing I cold here anyway
I meanmy gynaecologist warned me Akne might be a side effect but she said like on face

Went to a #queer #fat hangout yesterday evening and it was great and empowering but one of the best things was that someone told me that #stevenuniverse is on Netflix now
I mean okay I could watch it over my Webbrowser but as an almost blind person I hate the adds and the fact that the videos can’t run after another wich is possible on Netflix

Yay when everything goes right I will have an shared flat in an institution that helps trans people in Berlin not the district I would like to live but hey transit is connections will be better than where I am right now and it’s only limited for 2 years or so max because the goal is to bring people into a their own apartment don’t know how to say it better in English
But I’m also anxious especially in the beginning finding all the help I need

I don’t know what’s wrong with me since Friday I had headaches today it’s my stomach the stress seems to be getting to me # generally i haven’t been active much just don’t have the energy or something #disability #homeless #rant #mentalkealth