Ren - Moved to chitter.xyz @Nine@computerfairi.es

@joshua wait... cartridges have a smell?... *thinks back*... oh shit they do don't they???

Steam please stop opening on my first monitor isntead of my second monitor that's very rude of you

@heatherhorns Oh it was always there, I was just utterly unaware of it the whole time because of a lot of internalised transphobia and christian upbringing from my past, so... ugh.

Like I said, I was kinda a mess for the LONGEST time. My current identity/sona is literally me, in the truest sense. Physically not that different either, just smoller. :3 (and I have longer hair lol)

@heatherhorns I eventually left that chat site, due to...

shall we say, PERSONAL differences between the moderatorship... aaaand the general populace there... c_c;

Glad I did though, they were... not safe to be around. I cut contact with EVERYONE there, just... BAM, blocked the lot of them, unfriended, just... fuckin GONE. Caused a bit of a shitstorm at the time but I've no regrets now. THIS time tho, I kept my sona. <3

@heatherhorns Suddenly, Nine came flooding back to me. I went "screw it, why not? It's different", and tried that sona on and for the first time ever, it was not like putting ON a suit and mask, but like finally taking a really bad fitting, heavy suit and helmet off, and just... tossing them aside.

For the first time ever, i felt... like myself. It was weird to think about. I didn't mention it to anybody there (and I'm glad I didn't really), but... it felt good.

@heatherhorns As a result, "Nine" got abandoned. :/ I forgot about them for ages until a new RP chat opened up, splintering off the one I frequented. I'd joined it because a bunch of others from that site wanted to make a place they could roleplay without anybody else interfering, and kinda... felt like I needed a new start. I was starting to come to terms with the fact I wasn't cis too.

@heatherhorns I squeaked quite by instinct when responding to someone in surprise, and then was like "...wait... what kinda thing squeaks?". One of the suggestions someone made was 'what about a skunk?'. That immediately jumped out at me, but I had no idea why.

Gender never got settled. I could never think of one, and the idea of a formless blob of goop that eventually coalesced into a skunk-shaped like entity sorta... grew on me. But... I ended up leaving SPR.

@heatherhorns I literally made a blank slate. I picked the name "Nine" I think because making a guest character calls you "Guest X" with X being a number, if memory serves. and after several times logging on like that I got "Guest 9", and Nine sounded nice, so it stuck. I made a character with the name Nine instead of logging in as a guest. Still blank tho. But over the next few days, various things just... settled in.

@heatherhorns This...actually caused me a fair bit of distress at the time but I was a mess anyway so I never twigged.
SOMEWHERE along the line however, my current, real sona was birthed, quite by accident.
I used to frequent a furry MU* called SPR. At one point, at the most desperate point of that identity crisis I was unknowingly going through, I made a NEW character, and... couldn't think of anything for them to be.

@heatherhorns SO. this continued for many years. I would rapidly make changes, alterations, attempts at making them into a character in their own right, always sticking with a kitsune/fox theme, because even though I didn't realise it at all at the time, NOTHING fit. It wasn't my sona, it wasn't ME, no matter how much I tried to MAKE it fit. So the sona went through so many changes and interations.

@heatherhorns here's like... a couple of designs that I went through. The one on the left was... more recent? Yeah more recent. The one on the right I actually did lineart for tho.

also i thought i was a boy.

@heatherhorns I have... I think, multiple arts that I collected from people who just did free art for me for... no reason other than I guess we were friends at the time, guh. I don't like showing it off because I p. much begged it from them and they deserve some recompense but I've lost contact with all of them probably because I was kinda a shitty dipshit at the time.

I DID draw a couple myself tho. Thhose I CAN share.

@heatherhorns they were a winged anthro silverfox and... well they looked like this:

The name is lost to time sadly, but weirdly that sona didn't last long at all really.

After not too long the wings went, the fur went red, just a standard red fox I guess. Kept the sword tho. like, god, who hasn't had a sword wielding sona at some point?

Theeeennn i went weeblord and turned into a kitsune, for like, ever. yikes.

@heatherhorns OKAY SO

i was only a skunk like... fuckin... as of maybe.. four, five years ago? I forget exactly. Before that things started out as...

...fuck I still have art of them I think, I have no idea who drew it, I can't find any info on them, I'm not in contact with them, hell I don't even know if THEY even drew it, there's no signature, it wasn't even requested by me, they just went "hey your character is cute, here you go! I drew them!" and I was like "AAA!? <3" but yeah

@heatherhorns ahjskdlflksdafjhsdkf /)/////(\

@heatherhorns (actually the folder is largely empty because lol i really didn't think about it that much but the amount of shit that went on before I finally REALISED what my sona was oh my GOD )