@autistic.me @actuallyautistic
@neurodiversity
I observe many education professionals and parents (and other carers) using the term “self-regulation” to mean “follow externally prescribed regulations without external assistance.”
This is damaging and ableist, in my mind. It presumes the goals and values of the external regulator take precedence of the disabled person.
A non-ableist concept of self-regulation is “following one’s own prescribed regulations without external assistance.”
Screaming during a meltdown is a failure in social regulation when the people around me don’t want to hear it, but a failure in self-regulation when I don’t want to do it. Social regulation makes me mask and lowers my self-esteem. Self regulation enhances my identity and strengthens my self-esteem.
Self regulation can incorporate assistance, accommodation, and supports provided by others when initiated by me. Social regulation incorporates control mechanisms that may be mislabeled as “assistance, accommodations, or support.”
I see this most strongly right now with educators and my two neurodivergent kids. It’s a big trigger for me and I’ve of the main reasons that I don’t believe the purpose of schools is to educate.
This is very interesting indeed.
Would you say that self regulation is a skill that can be good or harmful, depending on how it's applied?
Or is it that certain forms of self regulation are more likely to be harmful?
For example, soothing myself by stimming , vs forcing myself to be quiet?
This may just be my personal interpretation, but "forcing myself to be quiet" wouldn't fit what I think of as self-regulation.
Self-regulation is what *I* need to feel better/calm down, not what other people need.
@GTMLosAngeles @autistic.me @actuallyautistic @neurodiversity
@ScottSoCal @Zumbador @autistic.me @actuallyautistic @neurodiversity
I find myself to be cautious about using the phrase “forcing myself.” Like many other perfectly good phrases, it is ambiguous. Here, the ambiguity is central to the point. If “forcing myself” means using great effort and focus to achieve what I wanted, then it is self regulation (difficult self regulation, perhaps). If “forcing myself” means complying with others wishes even though it is harmful to me, then it is self harm (difficult self harm, perhaps).
That makes sense.
I do find it difficult to distinguish between what I want, and what others want.
For example I don't like others knowing that I'm upset or angry because they find that upsetting.
I want them not to be upset.
I had an upsetting interaction with a doctor's receptionist today. She wasn't listening to my questions and got impatient with me, repeating the same non answer.
I insisted on repeating my question, speaking over her because she was trying to interrupt me.
I felt awful afterwards because she must have been able to tell how exasperated I was.
My wants were conflicting: I wanted a useful answer, I wanted her to treat me with respect, I wanted her not to be aware that she'd upset me, because that would make her feel bad, I didn't want her to feel bad.
I dealt with the upset by reminding myself that I can't control her thoughts and feelings, and I did a drawing, which helped
@ScottSoCal @autistic.me @actuallyautistic @neurodiversity
@ScottSoCal @Zumbador @GTMLosAngeles @autistic.me @actuallyautistic @neurodiversity
Yeah. That def makes sense. Fuck what the NTs need.