Today I turn 40 years old.
To be honest, for a long time I wasn’t even sure I was going to make it this far because the men in my family have a nasty habit of dying young.
It’s especially weird because I spent so long in a conservative religious world where the expectation was to have 4 kids and a house by this point.
It also extremely limited my experiences—no sex outside marriage, and since I never married, I never experienced that. No drugs, swearing, & countless hrs doing free labor.
The term “deconstruction” often makes my eyes roll, but it’s true that I’ve spent the past few years reimagining what my life could be and constantly running up against maladaptive mental structures that were built for me.
It’s been rewarding to get help through therapy and through friends who actually see me for who I am—not my status in a fucked up, insular culture.
But it’s also daunting to be this far into my life and feel like I still have so much to experience and figure out. Being infantalized for so long makes the prospect of it all a little overwhelming.
But most of all, I spent my years in exile between being in and out of the church isolating. And now, in another way, I’m left with a fairly blank slate. Few friends I can actually count on the spend time with me and a dating world that is, frankly, impossible.
All that said, I’m so glad for the life I have now—I’m glad to slowly reunite with others who’ve also come to similar conclusions & left that world.
I’m happier and healthier than I’ve been in quite a long time and the trajectory of it all feels sustainable. I am improving and growing and for once the prospect of another 40 years doesn’t feel unimaginable.
@TheInfamousGdub Aaron, of all the men I know in my life, I think I admire you most. I’m so glad that you’re you, and I’m grateful for the parts of yourself that you share. The ups and downs. The growth, the effort. Also you’re funny as fuck and a sharp dresser. Happy 40th, and may the year ahead bring you comfort, delight, and triumph.
