74 @asahi@computerfairi.es

that's one way to feel better

lack of community and dysphoria destroying me

anything i post private under an ambiguous cw is probably about suicide and other bad stuff i do not have the cognitive ability for

don't read them unless you know what are they about

how do you escape this

the same thing that makes you miserable is what makes you drive others away in a self-destructive loop

there is only so broken you can be and so much you can reach as it consumes you, erodes you, erodes everyone and everyhing

it's tiring, a slow and so tiring death

i am so glad i went outside to see the sky tonight

it would help if when i was excluded and hurt from some place my reaction wasn't leaving

broken statue of a forgotten goddess...

i wonder how much is actually executive dysfunction, how much physical illness, how much mental illness and dysphoria... and how much just, fear of my family

i love music boxes and kind of want to compose on them...

but i'm terrible at that. despite being easily influenced by it somehow making music is incomprehensible to me

i feel i am too broken to belong anywhere
i am too broken to be able to talk as it is

at a point youre too miserable that being around anyone feels you shouldnt

i cant reach out for help because i literally do not know how to
let alone where is adequate or who could help

im too broken to be a person and say anything

.

why am i so tired all the time

im so tired

so tired

or rather, not exactly that

but of leaving my family and terrible life, and to this ray of a possible future, of this air away from my helicopter abusive family
of becoming a better person, who i'd like to be... that kind of hope...

which, are also some of the themes of that game

pokemon black is important to me because i played it when i was going somewhere with transition and my life, when i was full of hope and able to transition and be feminine

so in part a lot of feelings for that time are attached to it