Family, mh (-)
Well, it looked like Christmas was gonna go well, then ended up going to shit. Mom started making fun of me (maybe) in a way that I perceived as treating me like a child, I lashed out the only way I knew how (violence), and things quickly went downhill.
This is the part where I was most definitely in the wrong. I had my reasons, but I was still in the wrong.
Family, mh (-)
Like, I want to set a boundary, but it's not something I know how to do in a healthy way, and I can't really enforce it anyways. Like, I don't really know how to express "hey, this thing you're doing is something that makes me feel bad, please stop" because I don't really know how to express the thing being done or how it makes me feel.
Family, mh (-)
And, of course, there are the problems with enforcement. I couldn't just leave because mom was my ride home. And I can't really cut her off for repeatedly doing this kinda thing, because I rely on her for financial support. So how else can I give my boundaries any weight?
Again, I wasn't in the right. I was very much in the wrong. But, I did have my reasons.
Family, mh (-)
Then the shit with the aunt happened, where she treated me like a child, tried to be physically violent with me, accused me of acting like a child, then, when called on some of the shit she was saying, basically justified it as "I (and your mom) suffered, so you should too," not realizing how much stupider that made her actions look. By the end of it all, I had no choice but to respond, "OK, boomer."
Family, mh (-)
Like, don't tell me that you had to learn how to handle your emotions the hard way, so I should too, while yelling at me for not being able to handle my emotions. Like, she's gen x, but her attitude there was very boomer.
Now, not everything I did at this point was right (I probably shouldn't have slapped her), but I sure as hell wasn't the one in the wrong here.
Family, mh (-)
Then the cousin got sent out to calm things down (which he did, kinda) and I basically ended up quiet until I got back to my apartment, trying not to cry.
This Christmas was a major disaster.
Family, mh (-)
As for the aunt, I also need to make clear why I feel wronged by her and make clear that I will not be attending any family gatherings with her present until I get an apology and a commitment to change.
Family, mh (-)
And, finally, I need to start becoming self-sufficient so that I have meaningful ways to enforce boundaries beyond just violence or repeatedly asking for change. Where I can actually leave or can say "I'm not talking to you until you apologize and change."
Family, mh (-)
Incidentally, this incident has striking parallels to my mental breakdown senior year. I wronged someone in a kinda minor way (what's between minor and major?), someone else stepped in to "punish me" and ended up working me up beyond the point of no return (majorly wronging me in the process), then another person had to step in to calm me down and ended up plunging me back down to zero. It just happened to be mom, my aunt, and my cousin rather than a teacher, the principal, and mom
Family, mh (-)
Anyways, enough spamming your timeline with my depressing AF Christmas.
Family, mh (-)
I kinda also need to figure out why I have such problems with emotional regulation and reading a room. Both of those led to the events of today, and both need to be dealt with.
Family, mh (-)
@auravulpes Sending hugs, if you want them. Setting boundaries explicitly and assertively is very hard to do. I hope you feel better and you find a way to get that space you need to be healthy.
Family, mh (-)
At some point, I need to talk to mom. Everything between me leaving the house and us leaving doesn't involve her, but we definitely need to talk about what happened before I left and after we left. And I owe her an apology. I also need to try to set a boundary *in words* rather than resorting to violence and hoping she gets the message.