mh (-), gender feels
Sometimes, I worry I'm not really who I say I am, and as I try to be the person I say I am, I'm slowly going to find out just how wrong I am. Like, who's to say that as the estradiol does its thing, I'm not going to suddenly realize I was wrong about wanting to be a girl? (Similar strong worries go for if I get far enough for vaginoplasty. Who's to say I'll like the new arrangement better?) Ya know?
mh (-), gender feels
And, to be clear, I'm not worried I'm a brainwashed cis guy. Trying to dress female does actually feel nice. Being referred to as "Kat" feels nice. The idea of being seen as girl feels nice. But who's to say I'm not just an incredibly femme enby? That hormones won't make me feel better but just as bad or, in particular, worse? It just, I worry about it sometimes. But, hey, sometimes you gotta learn things the hard way.
re: kink, re: mh (-), gender feels
So, yeah. This started with mh (-), but I guess it's now more mh (~). Because, hey. It's okay to be wrong about yourself. Even if I'm not actually trans, that's okay. We may've found out the hard way, but we learned. Even if I'm not *that* masochistic, it's okay, even if we *did* find that out the hard way. The bruises will hurt for a while, but now I know what *not* to try again.
a bit gross, ph (-), re: kink, re: mh (-), gender feels
I mean, it's like me trying to figure out if any meds can help with the immense pain of having a hard shit that won't come out while the shit behind it's turned to diarrhea. Like, I tried bismuth subsalicylate. It doesn't work. Good to know! I tried a laxative as a way of heading it off. That only made it happen! Now I know *not* to use the rest of the bottle of laxative! Sure, finding these out sucked, but hey. We learned.
meds, re: a bit gross, ph (-), re: kink, re: mh (-), gender feels
It's the same with psychiatric meds. You gotta find out the hard way whether they work. If they do, good! If they don't, well, we know what *doesn't* work.
Basically, I guess the conclusion I've come to with this entire thread is "fuck around and find out." Mess with shit and see what happens. You'll learn something, even if you have to learn the hard way.
And, importantly, it's okay to change your mind, even about stuff that you might feel you shouldn't change your mind on, like your gender once you've started hormones. It's okay to be wrong about yourself. As long as you really are finding a truer version of you.
kink, re: mh (-), gender feels
I mean, it's like my whole "I want to be beaten up by a sexy foxgirl" thing. Yeah, sure, I say that, and the thought gets me off, but I may finally get the chance only to realize that any masochism I may experience really doesn't outweight the pain of having someone else beat you up. But, hey. There's only one way to find out, right? (No, not punching myself. I can handle that.) Sometimes, you just gotta learn things the hard way.