Aura V. @auravulpes@computerfairi.es

New glasses! The first real style change in almost a decade, too...

(img CW: selfie, ec)

Thankfully, I seem to have a small hint from the two times these sorts of attacks have happened: confrontation in a high-stress situation. It's fight, flight, or freeze, but my brain has frozen wanting to flee, and my body's taken control and decided to fight. That's not the best way of describing it, but it's kinda along the lines of what's happening.

So, now this gives me a new way of looking at it, and of dealing with it. Trying to treat anger is just treating a *symptom*. I actually need to be dealing with anxiety.

Of course, not all anger is anxiety, and sometimes it does need to be treated as anger without underlying anxiety. So, I suppose the next challenge, along with figuring out coping strategies, is learning the difference.

For those unaware, the anger-assault cycle isn't so much a cycle as it is the path anger takes: Trigger->escalation->crisis->recovery->post-crisis. The odd things about those panic attacks were that they seemed to skip recovery, which should normally take *at least* 45 minutes. Analyzing it as anxiety means there's not recovery phase that's getting skipped. I'm just falling out of a panic attack. Well, crashing out, as it were, but still.

Today I learned that panic attacks can take more than one form. Sure, I have the kind where my brain shuts down and I kinda just start crying, but I've also got another, more subtle kind. I can also fall into a panic attack that looks very much similar to flying off the handle in anger. So, until today, I'd treated that (thankfully rare) occurrence as anger, when I should have been trying to calm anxiety. It also kinda explains why those times didn't quite follow the anger-assault cycle.

I gotta admit, as a physics student, reading this hurt. Remember kids, just because you're knowledgeable in one field doesn't mean your knowledgeable in others.

It's funny. Towards the beginning of the decade, I thought, "I'm straight, but I'd totally fuck the right guy." As it turns out, I'm gay, but I'd totally fuck the right guy. Maybe even date him uwu