Had a huge piece of tooth come loose today and getting it out was not fun (I almost fainted lol).

Anyway I realised the reason I haven't seen a dentist since I was a child is largely because of autism. To find an NHS dentist you need to be constantly calling practices and asking until they have a slot, impossible for me. But now I know I'm autistic, instead of being ashamed and just living with it, I can ask my mum for help!

In theory I could have just done that all along, but the feeling of "I'm supposed to be able to do this!" is so powerful, but accepting there are just some things you can't do and that's okay? Revolutionary.

There's a fair bit about this in Unmasking Autism actually, in a less individualistic society I'd never have even noticed this was such a struggle. I'd just have asked for help without years of stress and worry.

Accommodations I have made for myself since realising that I'm autistic that have helped a lot:
- Going easy on myself if I need several days off
- Allowing myself to stim and appear unfocused in public
- noise-cancelling headphones
- hat with a brim on bright days
- allowing myself to rock my body again
- not feeling I have to put down a fidget toy if I've been using it for "too long"
- asking for help, or sometimes just a moment to process or find my voice

- cutting my hair short
- removing labels and/or wearing more clothes seams-out
- tying just my fringe/bangs up if they are bothering my face/eyes
- generally not shaming myself for stuff I "should" be able to do (yes there is a pile of dishes, but it's only an inconvenience and not a moral failing)
- turning off noisy things when I don't need them, eg the extractor fan in the bathroom doesn't need to be on until I have left

I know most of these seem minor but I think autistic or not everyone should be able to try out a variety of different things and see what works for them, without worrying if they are how things "should" be done.

(I understand there is a worry of appropriating things that seem like they are for a specific disability, but I think that for the most part things that make your life better are allowed, and normalising accessibility is cool. Use fidget toys, chewelry etc if it helps, or even just if it is fun lol. Just be careful not to do stuff that might get them banned in schools or wherever.)

Just got a call about my psychological assessment, it took almost a year to get the appointment and then it was reviewed in a little over a week.

The result is, yep, I have tics and they are probably related to my autism somehow. The recommendation is mostly that I ought to reach out to autistic orgs and talk to them about it.

Which, I guess is good? It’s probably not something more serious that I need to worry about.

But also, I think I’m pretty upset about it? Mostly because part of me was hoping there would just be something causing the tics that could be outright fixed.

I have found since I figured out I’m autistic and embraced stim regulation I’ve ticced less in private… but… tbh I hate that I tic. Hate it. And now I just have to face that I’ll have to live with it.

And I’ll probably never know why my tics became so much more prominent over just a few months, I have theories but now I know that certainty is not an option.

I guess I should have seen this coming tbh, I’ve done a lot of research myself and didn’t find any concrete answers, but I’d still hoped someone else could give me that.

Another one I saw in a compilation that made me go !!!!!!!

Discovering sensory sensitivities later in life can absolutely feel like an infohazzard! I am leaning towards thinking it is better to know and I get to feel more real and be able to solve some of the problems I now recognise, but also it can be super overpowering still
https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGJxaP4xN/

Also ngl it makes me super wary of things I *need* to do.

Case in point: I've needed to shower for maybe a week now? I'd been avoiding it because it is just so overwhelming. This morning I finally thought "fuck it, I'm in a good mood and feeling capable! Let's do it!"

And then I proceeded to have an AWFUL 30 seconds where I felt every wet and hot drop of water slamming into me and running through my hair, I might have screeched, I don't know.

Thankfully another headmate who is better at dissociating from the sensations stepped in and finished up the shower. We've got a nice clean body again, but it's going to take guts the next time we need to do that and there's not much we can do to mitigate it.

I just realised, if my tics and autism are connected,

that means I have autis tics!

Looking up the local autism group that the psychologist recommended, and see they associate with the police *a lot*…

Yeah I’m going to be honest I’d rather check out the other one with puzzle pieces all over their website that seems like it’s 99% for autism mums.

I can definitely imagine an argument (however iffy) in favour of a group working with police for the purposes of training and mitigating police mistreatment on the basis of them just not knowing about autism but…

You’re retweeting the police commissioner on shit that has nothing to do with autism, using the group account too. And somehow you are also getting funding from the police?

That doesn’t seem safe at all to me. Big pass.

I think *if* I’m going to go looking for community beyond just, y’all (who I love!), I’m going to need to look online. Clearly the organisations around me are not okay, and there’s no way I have the capability to try starting something myself. :/

The psychologist did also recommend a few not-autism-related things, but they are all either CBT (been there) and/or trauma recovery/support (which I think I’m mostly done with by now).

It’s weird that realising I’m autistic is a lot of learning that things were just not made for me, and then I find out that even the things that were made for me aren’t really for me.

Anyway I don’t think I really *need* anything besides information right now, and I’m not having any difficulty getting that. I think most of this psych process is just so they can feel they aren’t completely abandoning me once I’m discharged.

All I needed from them was to know if my tics could be helped or explained and I got the answer, next I can figure out how I deal with that answer on my own.

Me (learning about how some people with sensory issues can find lights/sounds or other stimulation to be very painful): Wow that’s rough, I’m glad that doesn’t happen to me.

Me (hearing a sharp sound in a bright room): Ah! Ow!

Ugh even the little tinkle sound ivory made when sending that toot, I felt it in my neck.

Anyway I’m having a particularly sensitive afternoon I guess, but I’m just trying to enjoy how funny it is that I continue to be completely oblivious about what my own experience is, even when I’m trying to focus on it. Of course I’ve dealt with painful light, sounds, textures, smells, etc… but only now do I realise OH, that pain is pain! It counts as pain!

Great, turning my volume all the way down it still makes the noise, gonna put my iPad under a pillow to send this one but I had a thought I want to share:

It’s interesting how something as apparent as pain can be there and not noticed because like, it wasn’t supposed to be there. And I don’t mean in the sense that I shouldn’t be experiencing pain, but that this pain in particular was not socially recognised so I was unable to truly see it for what it was.

Like, there is a whole process of diagnosing when you’re a kid and you say “I don’t feel good”, and some stuff will be recognised and categorised (a headache, a poorly tummy, a scratch, etc, maybe even feeling sad), but if some things are just “overreacting” or “just imagination” then you learn to disregard those feelings yourself too, even though they are still happening they aren’t “real”.

Unlocked another memory of doing autistic shit as a child:

When I was really young, I loved to answer the front door. LOVED IT. I’ve had a much more troubled history with that since then, but at the time it was kind of predictable, it was only ever one of three things and I could excel at the appropriate responses to each:
- Post, I take the post upstairs to my parents
- Guests, I go up and tell my parents
- My bossy friend, I do pretty much whatever he wants to do

BUT!

One afternoon I heard the doorbell, rushed excitedly to the door, swung it open…

And there stood a random kid from school I didn’t talk to, who smiled and said “trick or treat!”

I immediately slammed the door shut, locked it, and ran upstairs. I was not prepared for Halloween lol, and so yeah I didn’t excitedly rush to the front door after that.

I think it’s common for autistic folks to really appreciate things where the protocols are clear and we can excel at performing them, but also that a single experience where things go off-script can ruin it for a loooong time afterwards. There’s safety in a reliable procedure, and finding yourself lost in that is a loss of safety, it’s really scary!

Just had my first time at a checkout being non-verbal whilst actually understanding that I was non-verbal. That alone made it so much less stressful. I was still able to communicate what I needed with a couple of gestures, and was able to smile so I don’t think the other person thought I was being rude. Muuuuuch preferable to forcing myself to choke out some words/grunts and be upset at myself, making everyone else think I’m mean and grumpy.

So angry at the way autism topics are dominated by allistic people. I’m glad that parents of autistic kids are able to talk about an issue, I’m glad that there is research looking into a connection between autism and that issue, but when I need help understanding or coping with it myself none of this is helpful to me. That this is 100% of search results is so frustrating and a waste of my time when I need help.

See, every year at about this time I’ll post something like “we’re not destroying the environment fast enough lol” because I’m having a hard time with hay fever

Now, I realise “there’s probably a link between sensory processing issues and hay fever symptoms!” Since I understand this possibility I can look for help specific to autistics dealing with hay fever

But it’s so much harder to do because all the results are not that, they are from people outside of autism looking in

Anyway in the end the best thing I could do was just research hay fever in general and note how my experience differed.

Turns out, hay fever isn’t usually painful or overwhelming. For most people it’s just a bunch of extra discomfort while your face does gross things. For me it’s like I have millions of minuscule needle monsters scratching the inside of my face, it dominates my entire experience and after it goes on for a while it HURTS.

None of this is helped by parents noting that their kids have more meltdowns during allergy season, or that there appears to be a link between occurrence of autism and allergies. But those seem to be all the results when I look for hay fever and autism info together.

I just wanted to know I wasn’t alone, and those are not sources I can trust. I’d rather have found something like this thread - a personal account to say “yeah this happens”

(I am aware of the irony of saying this in a CW’d thread with unlisted posts. That’s not the point though. The point is autistics somewhere must have talked about this before, but I can’t find that because their voices are drowned out.)

So this morning I have been looking into how autistics apparently look young for their age (which is definitely something I’ve experienced, I’m 36 and this year is the first when I ever bought an age-restricted item without being asked for ID). There are two common explanations: we are less expressive & spend more time alone not emoting, so fewer wrinkles. Also, apparently we are more prone to childlike mannerisms.

Citation needed on that last one tho, I think it’s better explained that we simply don’t adopt typical adult mannerisms as much, which isn’t the same.

Anyway I also have a few theories:
- It could be just confirmation bias!
- many of us spend less time in the sun, that is huge IMO
- plenty of us are trans, and HRT is basically ambrosia
and finally:

- It isn’t true at all, we just hear that we look young for our age from older people - but on average so does everyone in our own generations. We genuinely are ageing slower thanks to changes in diet, hygiene, medicine, sun block, etc. if you ask a younger person how old you look they are much more likely to give you a bigger number. It’s not an autistic thing just a pattern that we are more likely to spot because… well, autism and patterns.

This evening’s thought is a little regret at being annoyed at people for not acting like I did WRT things we apparently had in common. Specifically, at uni I studied game design, and game design had been my special interest for a long time. I got really frustrated how (almost) everyone else there had no sense of urgency to learn everything they could about gamedev, it felt like nobody was taking it seriously.

But looking back I recognise that wasn’t fair of me. Everyone approaches things differently, even things they’re passionate about. And I can’t fault their approach compared to mine, I burned out & dropped out in the final year. I certainly learned a lot and developed skills I still use daily, but it came at a cost that probably wasn’t worth it.

Not that I had much choice, young and no idea I was autistic I had no reason to think my energy was finite. A crash was inevitable.

Anyway yeah, learning the ways I need to be easier on myself, and also on neurotypical people. Everyone has their own struggles and ways of coping, and nobody has it all completely figured out.

Besides what does any of it matter anyway, if you’re living a good life who cares if you’re adequately pursuing your passion. Do what is right for you, be happy.

I need to back up some files, clean the dishes, and sweep the kitchen floor.

Knowing now that struggling to figure out what order to do these things in is an ND thing helps me get less frustrated about it, but it does make me wonder what magic NT people have in their head that just gives them some sequence they can follow.