- It isn’t true at all, we just hear that we look young for our age from older people - but on average so does everyone in our own generations. We genuinely are ageing slower thanks to changes in diet, hygiene, medicine, sun block, etc. if you ask a younger person how old you look they are much more likely to give you a bigger number. It’s not an autistic thing just a pattern that we are more likely to spot because… well, autism and patterns.

This evening’s thought is a little regret at being annoyed at people for not acting like I did WRT things we apparently had in common. Specifically, at uni I studied game design, and game design had been my special interest for a long time. I got really frustrated how (almost) everyone else there had no sense of urgency to learn everything they could about gamedev, it felt like nobody was taking it seriously.

But looking back I recognise that wasn’t fair of me. Everyone approaches things differently, even things they’re passionate about. And I can’t fault their approach compared to mine, I burned out & dropped out in the final year. I certainly learned a lot and developed skills I still use daily, but it came at a cost that probably wasn’t worth it.

Not that I had much choice, young and no idea I was autistic I had no reason to think my energy was finite. A crash was inevitable.

Anyway yeah, learning the ways I need to be easier on myself, and also on neurotypical people. Everyone has their own struggles and ways of coping, and nobody has it all completely figured out.

Besides what does any of it matter anyway, if you’re living a good life who cares if you’re adequately pursuing your passion. Do what is right for you, be happy.

I need to back up some files, clean the dishes, and sweep the kitchen floor.

Knowing now that struggling to figure out what order to do these things in is an ND thing helps me get less frustrated about it, but it does make me wonder what magic NT people have in their head that just gives them some sequence they can follow.

It is annoying but literally anybody can cast immobilise on an autistic person by giving them more than one task and not giving them an order to do the tasks in.

Maybe that’s why we so frequently have demand avoidance and strict routines, it’s the only way we can make any kind of progress through each day.

Anyway, order decided: backup, floor, dishes

(Backup: requires computer to be on, best to do it before the room gets too hot this afternoon.

Floor: I’ll be standing on when doing the dishes, it’ll be unpleasant to stand on a crumb during.

Dishes: least urgent)

In theory I’ll never be stumped by this set of problems again, but in reality every day is different. I’m going to be stumped by this set of problems again.

(And even now I’m questioning the logic like “oh but what if I need dishes because doing the floor makes me hungry??”

Life is hell)

This morning I’m looking back at my medical history with things like “depression disorder” and thinking “it was probably just autistic meltdowns.”

then I remember that I am on antidepressants right now and don’t get super depressed even when I am burned out or having a meltdown. Medication that works is almost scary lol.

“Antidepressants? Why am I taking these? I’m not depressed!

…

oooooooh wait, I’m not depressed because I’m taking antidepressants. Got it.”

Anyway yeah I’m looking at a snapshot/summary of my medical history that was included in the assessment I went through last month. I recognise most of it but some stuff I don’t remember at all, like a second tonsillectomy? And… asthma? 99.9% certain I don’t have asthma but I should probably find my full history and check what that actually was (my guess is panic attacks).

Just had my first ever dream where I went non-verbal and just switched to my AAC app for talking.

It’s super cool how quickly my mind has just gone “oh okay, cool, this is part of me and I can rely on it whenever I need to.”

Honestly I’m super grateful that I’ve been able to find my backup voice. Even though I don’t have to use it very often, having it there means I’m able to face more situations and know I’ll be okay in them.

Also, it’s fucking cool to be a cyborg that can talk through nearby machines.

Also also, I never fucked with voice training to begin with but if I feel like a change now I can just download a different voice lol

Since I've not talked about it in detail yet:

AAC is Augmented and Alternative Communication, basically any system to help people with difficulties communicating. This can be things like cards a person can display, to TTS (text-to-speech).

The AAC app I use is a TTS system that I can customise with common phrases and parts of sentences, type into for specifics, and easily display what I'm saying.

The app is super customisable, I can make my own categories and phrases in advance, colour them, give them pictures for their buttons, make the button display something different to the phrase (so I can have a button to say my address, without displaying my address in every conversation).

Link is here if you're interested, I use the android version which is free, but has some extra features if you pay: https://www.asoft.app/

Personally I don't tend to use image icons since my reading is pretty good even if I'm stressed, but I do use colours to find certain things more quickly - super helpful if you have a little color associated synesthesia

Anyway, long story short: I have a backup voice in my back pocket at all times. And surprisingly just having it makes using my primary voice easier because I don't have to stress about whether it will fail or not, less stress means less time non-verbal. 👍

(Changing meds while the seasons change)

WHAT THE FUCK ARE TIME AND TEMPERATURE!? THESE ARE COMPLETELY RANDOM PHENOMENA, THAT I REMEMBER THEM EVER MAKING SENSE IS SURELY AN ILLUSION!

Sometimes my body just decides to sleep and I have no idea when I’ll wake up or who I’ll be when I do.

Which might sound scary but mostly it’s inconvenient, I have things to do!

Something I’m learning lately is how to recognise red flags that can indicate I’m on a path to a meltdown. Tic attacks, being unable to focus for an extended period, excessive pacing. It’s useful to be able to catch so I can make changes, but it is worrying how often it all happens. Some stuff is genuinely scary though, strong dissociation especially, though not the dissociation itself…

Like, if I recognise thinking “oh I was agitated before, but I’m fine now even though I’m in the same environment. I must have acclimated, awesome.”

There is now an alarm in my head that is like “WOAH. WARNING. WE DO NOT ACCLIMATE. YOU ARE DISSOCIATING FROM THE SITUATION. YOU ARE TAKING DAMAGE WITHOUT NOTICING IT. GETOUTGETOUTGETOUT.”

Which is useful information! But also it’s scary to know you’re fucked up and getting worse and that you won’t know how bad till later.

It’s like walking around in a game with a passive toxin effect. Before I didn’t even know which areas were toxic, but now I’m seeing poison clouds through my whole life and sometimes there’s no other way but to walk through them. It explains so much of my experience before, that I was oblivious to it, but now I recognise how harmful environments are to me they are even more scary in some ways, even though I’m learning how to protect myself in them.

It’s fucked up that I get to do at most one thing per day, and how sometimes that one thing puts me out of commission for multiple days.

It is OP that some people can do multiple things in a single day. “Autism is a superpower!” Bitch you can’t say that to me when you’ve showered, done the dishes, and been to the shops all before lunch.

Also not super relevant rn but it’s on my mind: it’s fucked up that supermarkets with a quiet hour have just one hour a week and it’s at some complete dogshit time.

In theory it’s cool but honestly I think they are just picking a time when it’s not busy and deciding to save on lighting costs and paying someone to pick music.

It’s a beautiful evening, the sun is setting, its light shines through trees that blow in a gentle breeze, sending glowing dappled light into my room and FLASHING SO MUCH. I FEEL LIKE THE WHOLE UNIVERSE IS STROBING WHAT THE FUCK. THE FLOOR AND WALLS ARE WAVING?

Get the FUCK down out of the sky, sun! You’ve had your time today and I am DONE with you.

Finally watched Pixar’s Loop short, it’s really good! I especially loved the times it shows things from Renee’s view - I don’t think I’ve ever seen a camera move the way my eyes do before, focusing around whatever it is you’re actually paying attention to.

There is a meltdown in there and it’s definitely uncomfortable to watch but it feels true to me (though seems to come on much faster than I experience).

Something interesting that it made me think was “wow I wish I could communicate my needs as well as her.” which might seem weird since she is non-speaking, but also she’s so direct and honest and knows what she needs and wants. It makes me wonder if being higher masking makes it harder to understand and communicate your own experience perhaps, but also Renee is obviously a fictional character in a 10 minute short so I’m not going to think too deep on that rn. Just a thought.

Also since I’ve warmed up this thread today, something else neurospicy is I was talking to a friend recently about FF7 and realised it was one of my early special interests. I mentioned offhand the names of some minor characters that are mentioned just once (The EDK (Evil Dragon King) Valvados, and Alfred, from the gold saucer play) and that it was easy to remember since I memorised the game’s whole script when I was younger.

My friend said “How did you not realise you were autistic?” which is probably the best thing he could have said lol. Having people recognise my autistic traits and see them for what they are is actually really validating, and it’s a good question too!

The answer was because nobody explained what autism was, I was never given the opportunity to recognise it in myself. So having it recognised by myself and a friend too is super healing.

Something super shitty about meltdowns is they feel like they should be a reset. That they should just be a vent to release all the excess overload and afterward you’ll be ready to go again.

But it’s more like a whistling teakettle, you can take it off the stove and it will stop, but that water is still boiling hot, add even a little heat and it’ll go off again.

I’m starting to realise that a big contributor to getting overwhelmed is the way sensations linger, especially unpleasant ones. Touching a bad texture it feels like it is stuck to your skin even after you move away, a single bang replays in your head afterwards without losing any clarity, and even just the thought of a bad sensation can have the same effect - if I imagine a bright light I might as well have looked at one. Stuff can pile up faster than you can let it go.

Of course another big contributor is just the way I cope with all of that - dissociation from all the sensations makes it easier to get yourself through them, but you’re still taking the damage and not noticing until it’s way too late. Then everything hits all at once.

So something that I’ve felt on the periphery of some conversations with people who’ve known me for a while when I tell them about discovering my autism, is this idea that even “if” I am autistic, I shouldn’t give up on trying to be/act normal.

And after thinking about it for a while: yes I should. 36 years trying is long enough. I get to give up now. Give me a break!

I can understand that in some cases it comes from a place of genuine concern and care for me, for example when I mentioned that a lot of things that exacerbated my social anxiety were just autistic things, she worried I’d be like “oh I can just bail on all social interaction now.” and then in an emergency I’d be super helpless.

Truly understandable considering she literally housed me for years when I was agoraphobic and watched me work really hard to overcome it.

The actual outcome though is that I’m learning that I can bail on the idea that social interaction is something I should be performing in ways that don’t work for me. eg; if I can communicate without speaking, that is okay, actually. it is more comfortable for me and so long as I’m understood it doesn’t matter.

But yeah, I absolutely get to give up on trying to be normal or do things the normal way.

Also, “But you shouldn’t let it define you.” is literally the fucking worst for things that are integral to who I am. It is only ever used for things *other* people don’t want to think about or be aware of. How about I don’t let *you* define me, and then I can figure out who I actually am without the social bullshit.

All kinds of things are inescapable and define me, but I get to determine *how* they define me.

I’m not going to let someone else do it just because my definitions aren’t comfortable to “normal” people.

Sometimes I feel like autistic life is like living with a screaming child and you don’t know what it wants, but the child is you.

Today I’ve been feeling worse and worse and it got so intense I was trying a million different things and rushing around in a panic because I didn’t know what was bothering me and couldn’t cope. Then as soon as I tried my ANC headphones? The whole world was just “hi Sophie, welcome back.”