🐍 why is doing things so hard
executive function rambling
I seriously considered not taking my meds today b/c the weekly pill thing was empty and I didn't want to fill it up. then I thought taking just todays meds from the bottles, which satisfies my(?) rule of "no day is a failure if I take my meds" but leaves me in the same position tomorrow.
then I tried to think real hard about how filling the weekly containers wasn't, actually, unpleasant in any way, it's a few minutes of using my hands and then it's done. after a bit of that I filled up 3 weeks worth of med containers. it took a few minutes and wasn't unpleasant in any way.
& then had more thoughts about how the whole delayed gratification thing probably mostly isn't that 1-2 weeks from now, when I'm facing this same situation, I remember that past me left a full container in the cabinet that I can use, and that reward reaches back 1-2 weeks in time to reinforce the behavior past me did (or maybe it is idk)
but rather my ability to look at those three med containers & think "yeah! I did a good job that will pay off in the future and I feel good about that right now!"
re: executive function rambling
@madewokherd that makes sense — I was wondering like "oh, is this what the 'gratitude journal' thing is for? focusing on gratitude to myself for the self-care to reinforce it?"
cultivating love feels more "on brand" (?) / powerful / efficacious than that, and is something I know how to do at least in theory
I was going to meditate after taking the meds but instead I detoured to post-process feelings
but I think that does give me the topic to meditate on 🐍🧸💕
re: lb from @madewokherd
1. Stop.
2. Rest.
3. Cultivate Love.
re: executive function rambling
I've been wondering since noticing this was a thing: how much of neurodivergent "executive dysfunction" is because the things that motivate neurotypical folks don't really work for us, and the things that work aren't taught to us? Followed by a vague swirling mass of: what might be the reasons/motivations behind that?
re: executive function rambling
Where I'm vaguely ending up is: motivations that are not healing or empowering are, though possibly temporarily effective, not sustainable. And motivations that are healing or empowering make us inconvenient.
re: executive function rambling
@madewokherd I think it would (for me) if it was a reward with real psychological mass, or at least positive stimuli
like if the reward for rummaging around in the cabinet was immediately getting to eat potato chips I'd do that every time I wanted potato chips and was near the cabinet
but anything less immediately visceral than that just doesn't feel like it has mass/weight — probably some combination of depression, anhedonia, & being dissociated from my own feelings (positive or negative)
re: executive function rambling
@emerald The way I would make myself do that specific thing would be: stop, rest, cultivate love. Specifically love for my present and future self would get me moving. Which also means that it doesn't make much difference whether it's me or someone else that will experience the eventual benefits, i.e. "gratification" on any timeline doesn't play into it.
(Being able to generate love in that way took a lot of work though.)