magical @magical@computerfairi.es

And in this in moment, I need to be needed
With this darkness all around me
I like to be liked
In this emptiness and fear I want to be wanted
'Cos I love to be loved
I love to be loved
I love to be loved
I love to be loved

@lizardsquid tell me about it

I crave validation
I'm terrified of rejection

I can't believe that anyone would want to follow me, so I hang onto my followers for dear life. I can't believe anyone would want to hear what I have to say, so I avoid saying anything at all. don't rock the boat. I'm afraid to express an opinion on anything, lest someone disagree. I'm afraid to look stupid. I'm afraid to be wrong.

perverse incentives. i don't know how to measure real friendship, so i accept the artificial substitites that we present in its place: follows, stars. I'm terrified that I'll say the wrong thing and lose a follower. why? I don't know

moreover, I hate that I mostly use mastodon to post these long, introspective threads. get a blog! where are the dumb jokes? where are the hot takes? where are the mundane thoughts of a normal, living, breathing, well-adjusted human being?

I want to be that kind of person but I don't know how. how do you seem to spend your every waking moment online? I have a job, and hobbies. I can't be constantly checking my phone.

like I said, I don't think I've made any friends on mastodon. there are people I'd like to be friends with (hi), but I have no idea if they feel the same way. that's because of a basic asymmetry of social media: if I follow you and you post a lot, I start to feel like I know you. but if I don't post very much, you might have no idea I exist.

anyway, to bring us back to the main point, while i'm still super confused about my gender and sexuality, I feel like I've reached a point where it would be super helpful to talk to someone about it. problem is I have no idea who to turn to.

(it's not that I'm trying to hide who I am from all of y'all. more that I'm mortified at the thought of someone who knows me irl finding this account)

and it worked, to a degree. I've posted thoughts and feelings I would never be comfortable with sharing with anyone I knew in person. but I still do most of my soulsearching in diary entries. I haven't been open as I hoped I would. and this idea that I have to keep my identity hidden has caused me to mercilessly segregate these two parts of my life ("normal" me and "feels" me). I've created yet more filters.

I created this account (well, not this one, the previous one on witches.town) to try and push my boundaries -- open up a little, stop being such a wallflower. I thought maybe if I started fresh, with no connection to anyone I knew, with no personal details to lead back to me, I would be a little less afraid. I wanted to get rid of the filters I'd created for myself

I'm a lurker. I follow interesting folks, I read, I learn. occasionally I even have something to say. but I hardly ever interact with anyone.

mastodon has been great because it has given me a window into a community I didn't know I needed, and given me a lot of food for thought, but I can't say I've really made any friends here, and it's probably my fault

I wish I weren't so bad at making friends

@kellerfuchs @noiob

that seems to be a common shortcut for writing "genius" characters: character jumps to wild conclusions on scanty evidence and turns out to be right

it only works because the author is in complete control of the story world, and so gets to declare that the character is right in-universe, even if it makes no sense

another example that comes to mind is Artemis Fowl

@lizardsquid people say storage is cheap, but I've never had a hard drive I haven't filled to capacity one way or another shortly after acquiring it

or maybe that's not it at all. maybe I'm just giddy that for the first time ever I'm starting to piece together a look that hasn't been prescribed to me

I want to enjoy what I'm wearing

clothing to me has always been less "I look / feel great in this" and more "well, I'm not naked now"