anyway i received notification of this pm on fanfiction.net and i think i can feel my soul attempting to escape my body.
i realize that i should probably not respond at all to this whatsoever, but i may have to unload some snark here just so i don't accidentally give someone both barrels.
i'm thinking "dear sir, you seem to have confused us having a talk with you giving me a lecture, as if i am a personal chef under your employment and you want to explicitly demand your wagyu steak cooked to absolute shoe leather and topped with ketchup" to start with
"i am not sure whatever gave you the - frankly horrifying - impression that i cared at all about warhammer 40k. the only thing i know about it is that the orks are actually mushrooms who believe things work so hard that they work. that i solidly know to be the best part of the entire thing, if not the only diamond in a sea of excrement. but i don't know about any of the rest of it because, again, it's not my thing, has never been my thing, and with people like you in it, never will be."
"because even if i WAS the sort of fanfiction author who was ready and willing to take requests, which i am not, you have asked for something solidly off the menu, you are the last place in queue, and you make this when the restaurant is closed. as evidenced by the many, many pieces of fanfiction i have not updated in literal years, but dearly wish to continue writing, because right now i cannot. because of the whole being in excruciating pain thing." >
"which, incidentally, i know you read. it's my profile right now. i know you had to at least skim your eyes across it and exist in the same screen with it to even send me a PM. regardless, do you really think that i should be magically summoned to give a singular shit about your pet idea when i am, quite frankly, busy existing in agony? do you really want to attempt to justify this as so groundbreaking a disabled author needs to drag herself along in pain to be at your beck and call?" >
"we haven't even gotten to the whole issue of you offering absolutely bupkis in recompense. hell, you haven't even given a single ounce of polite consideration, much less compensation. so you just broke into the restaurant to yell about how you want something that's not on the menu when it closed 3 hours ago, and you don't even have anything to pay for your sandwich with. you ain't even offering to do the goddamn dishes and mop the floor." >
"have you ever heard the phrase 'ass, cash, or grass, nobody rides for free'? well, you have no cash, i wouldn't trust any weed you've grown, and with your dogged lack of awareness of the fact that other people are human beings with needs besides your own goals, i think any ass you can offer is just going to be a miserable time. get out of my goddamn inbox, and you owe me a bottle of grey goose for the displeasure of having to shovel you out of here."
....
ok i think i'm done venting my spleen
