Harp the Wigglytuff @wigglytuffitout@computerfairi.es

@KBY30 i'm holding out for true love.... somebody who loves me like white people love mayonnaise and casseroles*

*i am also a white people and i fucking love mayonnaise and casseroles tbh

at which point link declared that was a big enough breakfast that he needed a nap.

"but you just got up!" sidon said

"yeah but i'm using my power as, y'know, knight-commander and hero of the realm to now go take a nap at 10am after waking up at 9 and eating and that's it. wake me up for lunch."

"holy shit," marveled sidon, in absolute awe of the power of link's heroic position, as zelda tried not to lose her shit laughing somewhere in the background

anyway that's the story of how sidon stepped in to help link eat thirty omelettes and 26 pieces of toast for breakfast that one time

additional stupid concept:

some time after botw's happy end, link finally gives himself permission to crash and sleep and rest. someone tries to bother him asking what he'd like for breakfast and he mumbles some absurd request at them before sidon comes an hour later to tell them that the villagers actually managed to put together the breakfast he asked for but why do hylians need to eat that much dear link why didn't you let him know if you were hungry????

and uhhh

@InspectorCaracal yes. exactly.

all we need to do to further prove this theory is put some catnip in his food and a fuzzy pom-pom on the end of his signature hat:

https://media.giphy.com/media/j1QQj6To9Pbxu/giphy.gif [BATTLE THEME PLAYS]

and he does this in ways that defy nature and things that should be comfortable.

does sleeping half on the floor, one foot wrapped in the covers, one foot out, shoulder bearing all of your weight as you drool onto the bedroom rug really do you any good? the answer is yes if you are link. he is snoring away having the most restful sleep of his life while looking like an error at the action figure factory. the hero of hyrule, everybody!

other stupid minutiae/headcanons

link has degrees of sleeping based on how likely he thinks it is he'll be in danger during the night. for all of botw he sleeps in his armor at least partially and is ready to leap up at the sound of a leaf snapping. if you see him sleeping with rigid military posture, that's the mode he's in.

a link that is happy and content in its habitat and does not feel threatened at all looks like an ikea kit of limbs someone forgot to put together properly

anyway all of them definitely discover that if you gently pull a man who has been tortured for many centuries with with pain and utter loneliness devoid of any kindness or even simple touch from another human being, that motherfucker is gonna cling to you like a fucking barnacle as soon as you let him

good luck saving hyrule with a gerudo man clutching you like a koala, my dudes

and finally,

link: I HAVE DECIDED THAT, SINCE WORDS ARE STUPID AND HARD, I'M JUST GONNA FRENCH KISS YOU REAL HARD AND SEE IF YOU ARE AS INTO THAT AS I THINK YOU ARE.

ganon: I AM REALLY REALLY OKAY WITH THIS PLAN AS LONG AS YOU'RE COOL WITH LIKE 3 MINUTES OF MAKING OUT AND THEN ME JIZZING MY PANTS AS SOON AS YOU NIBBLE MY EAR ON ACCOUNT OF ME BEING HYRULE'S MOST TOUCH-STARVED MAN.

link: FUCK YEAH LET'S DO THIS

sidon: sappy gentle giant moments of him being best equipped to help haul him up around places while mostly dead, very big into adorable gentle fussing over him, humming lullabyes while he helps comb through ganon's hair (as i have decided that sidon is lowkey fascinated by hair and enjoys brushing his pets. i mean metamours, METAMOURS), other indulgent saccharine shit done with sunny enthusiasm

and may i introduce, for your consideration, the zelda/link/sidon polycule's seduction strategies towards this dude

zelda: quiet heartfelt entreaties asking him to please forgive her because she didn't figure out that he was also suffering greatly in torment while she was keeping the calamity contained, full of genuine emotional connection and holding hands, comfortable silences while she reads and he dozes

so please imagine link, zelda and sidon just showing up with this lanky gerudo man who is mostly dead and beat to all hell in a way that means sarah mclachlan is in danger of playing the longer you look at him a la <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9X4YGZG1nyM> with the temperament and constitution of a chihuahua with generalized anxiety disorder and consumption, if said chihuahua kept bursting into relieved tears bc it turns out being tortured for centuries Fucks You Up A Lil

so i need to write down a proper outline but i got to a point in my botw fic of

"well, if the reveal is that the-last-version-of-ganon was actually a good guy and has been trapped in torment by a-generation-where-it-all-went-wrong evil-link and evil-zelda as insurance to keep reincarnating, it makes sense for ganon to be retrieved from torturous hell and then just die

.......but what if he inexplicably lives and joins the polycule"

stab bunny time. #ffxiv #lookatmycatgirloclockservicewillresume #weinterruptforlookatmybunegurlspecial

don't wanna forget it's a very important guide #ffxiv

@friedkiwi it's funny, though, how it seems to be defended with the same rallying cry i hear around me with every hoisted confederate flag: "heritage, not hate!"

i would urge you to not be complacent enough to take the "not hate" part at face value, and to look at how these systems can and do contribute to the "crippling inequality and extreme destitution" you claim only happens in US and UK.

@friedkiwi for example, from a quick skim - https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2019/06/blackface-france-color-blind-identity/591187/

institutions arguing that blackface cariacatures is part of the culture, black actresses with a rallying cry of "being black is not my profession - i want to do more than a bit part of the 'ghetto girl' stereotype"...

you'll forgive if a southern american goes "this all seems a bit familiar", lol

@friedkiwi and yet, also a culture that has a lot of baggage from that period of colonialism still hanging around. things like the agitation for a 'burkini ban' are islamophobia going hand in hand with racism.

it's a different shape - but the root is absolutely still there, and there are plenty of PoC able to tell you about how head-in-the-sand holier-than-thou in europe is hurting them.

@friedkiwi i may have some bad news about, for instance, france's treatment of immigrants and how the legally codified islamaphobia has been laser targeted at brown people

it takes different forms, but the root sure as shit is there. crippling inequality is a hallmark and feature of the concept, after all.