Harp the Wigglytuff @wigglytuffitout@computerfairi.es

"have you ever heard the phrase 'ass, cash, or grass, nobody rides for free'? well, you have no cash, i wouldn't trust any weed you've grown, and with your dogged lack of awareness of the fact that other people are human beings with needs besides your own goals, i think any ass you can offer is just going to be a miserable time. get out of my goddamn inbox, and you owe me a bottle of grey goose for the displeasure of having to shovel you out of here."

....

ok i think i'm done venting my spleen

"we haven't even gotten to the whole issue of you offering absolutely bupkis in recompense. hell, you haven't even given a single ounce of polite consideration, much less compensation. so you just broke into the restaurant to yell about how you want something that's not on the menu when it closed 3 hours ago, and you don't even have anything to pay for your sandwich with. you ain't even offering to do the goddamn dishes and mop the floor." >

"which, incidentally, i know you read. it's my profile right now. i know you had to at least skim your eyes across it and exist in the same screen with it to even send me a PM. regardless, do you really think that i should be magically summoned to give a singular shit about your pet idea when i am, quite frankly, busy existing in agony? do you really want to attempt to justify this as so groundbreaking a disabled author needs to drag herself along in pain to be at your beck and call?" >

"because even if i WAS the sort of fanfiction author who was ready and willing to take requests, which i am not, you have asked for something solidly off the menu, you are the last place in queue, and you make this when the restaurant is closed. as evidenced by the many, many pieces of fanfiction i have not updated in literal years, but dearly wish to continue writing, because right now i cannot. because of the whole being in excruciating pain thing." >

"i am not sure whatever gave you the - frankly horrifying - impression that i cared at all about warhammer 40k. the only thing i know about it is that the orks are actually mushrooms who believe things work so hard that they work. that i solidly know to be the best part of the entire thing, if not the only diamond in a sea of excrement. but i don't know about any of the rest of it because, again, it's not my thing, has never been my thing, and with people like you in it, never will be."

i realize that i should probably not respond at all to this whatsoever, but i may have to unload some snark here just so i don't accidentally give someone both barrels.

i'm thinking "dear sir, you seem to have confused us having a talk with you giving me a lecture, as if i am a personal chef under your employment and you want to explicitly demand your wagyu steak cooked to absolute shoe leather and topped with ketchup" to start with

anyway i received notification of this pm on fanfiction.net and i think i can feel my soul attempting to escape my body.

i can't tell if this rage at the patriots is

1. super bowl
2. just regular masto political discourse
3. metal gear solid opinions

extra spicy moon

i am just saying if any of these octo troopers come at me with literature and a personality test to take, THEY WILL CATCH THESE TEMPLAR HANDS

or... squidlar? i... i don't... listen, okay, i just want to say "illuminaughty" at some point and that's like the sum total of my secret world jokes, along with that one Bees? card from cards against humanity, that's it, i don't got anything else folks

AND NOW.... TIME FOR A NICHE JOKE

#splatoon2 : it's time for our next level in hero mode!! the stage coming up iiiss THE PARKING GARAGE!!!!

me, an astute bee-swallower: OH HELL NO. I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THE LAST TIME I WENT IN A GARAGE.

apparently tonight on the fediverse timeline we're group shaming someone for enjoying fondant

which is completely valid. carry on doing god's work, everyone.

@kaniini tho it used to be a much bigger thing as a like 1960's tourist trap lol - one of the groups still doing 'mermaid shows' is actually at a site that used to be a roadside attraction, and now is a nature preserve, so the mermaids are state employees and they get to put on much the same show that has been there for decades :D https://www.roadsideamerica.com/story/2068 it's hard work for sure - basically underwater theater - but the tails actually help somewhat these days!

@kaniini i've actually heard that if you get one of the functional ones (e.g. a bit more reinforced, not just decorative - the majority are functional), it makes swimming much more efficient! ...after all, you're pasting a fin onto yourself lmao. the trick is just changing motions to be more dolphin-like instead of kicking.

but i think most people use them scuba diving or holding their breath for at least awhile. there are still some places that have mermaid performers working >

i also feel like we're reaching layers of absurdity here that may come to encapsulate 2019

the year two thousand and nineteeen, in which a left-leaning youtuber streams himself playing donkey kong 64, taking charitable donations for an organization that helps trans folks in the UK, is mentioned by Cher on twitter, and the developer of Doom joins the stream to yell TRANS RIGHTS!, and, it's not even finished yet, so who knows what is going to continue to happen