So my mother died. Not unexpected, because she was in her 80s, but not expected because we haven't spoken for about 10 years. I feel like I'm balancing on a point, ready to fall off, but I don't know which way I'm going to fall. How do I feel about this? Truly, deeply, have absolutely no idea.
Alexithymia is real, right now.
It take a long time. Both of my parents died during the height of the pandemic after 10+ years of very limited contact.
Three years on and I'm still sorting out how I feel - both about the relationships and their absence.
My therapist reminded me that I don't have to be able to articulate my feelings in order to feel them. Sometimes you just need to sit and feel them. . .
That feeling in the air, just before a storm? Kind of a stillness, but with an energy that crackles, like lightning? That's what I'm feeling. And that's all I'm feeling right now.
One of the things that often comes to mind in these circumstances is, "there was so much left unsaid". In the case of my father - who died nearly 20 years ago - I rapidly concluded that they would likely have remained unsaid even if he were alive today.
Yeah. There are many things I'd like to say, but none of them would change anything, and that would just lead to more anger, disappointment, and resentment - on both sides. Nothing good would come of it, so why do it?
Yup. Same.
I wanted to follow up with a quote that really resonates with me regarding this process of feeling what we feel:
“There is a basin in the mind where words float around on thought and thought on sound and sight. Then there is a depth of thought untouched by words, and deeper still a gulf of formless feelings untouched by thought.”
― Zora Neale Hurston, Their Eyes Were Watching God
My therapist has reminded me a few times that we don't actually have to put labels on feelings in order to feel them.
@ScottSoCal
Sorry about the confusion you are experiencing. It is fine to be confused. Society likes to prescribe how we should feel, but we don't have to listen to society.
@actuallyautistic