Looking for recommendations: what do you do when you get stuck figuring out what emotion(s) you're feeling?
My mother died a few days ago. Our relationship was toxic, and we haven't spoken for years. I know I'm feeling something, from the tense crackling inside, but I don't know what it is.
@ScottSoCal @actuallyautistic If you’ve ever practiced meditation: now is the time to use it.
If you’ve never practiced meditation: now might be a good time to try it.
I did, once upon a time. And this may sound like snark, but I promise it isn't: it's dark and scary in there, and I don't want to visit again.
@ScottSoCal @cmdrmoto @actuallyautistic
Meditation is the practice of visiting those places that may be scary, and observe them with compassion, without judgment
@ScottSoCal @actuallyautistic @equalitysiren
I meditate, then fall asleep
@ScottSoCal @actuallyautistic
Maybe see over a little time what triggers the emotion. That might give you more insight.
@ScottSoCal @actuallyautistic I write a blog post about it. In the olden times, I wrote it down in my diary. But it helps me a lot to write about it. I can structure my thoughts and usually I have a clearer sense of what's going on when I'm done.
@ScottSoCal @Sci_Fi_FanGirl @actuallyautistic
Grief is in the air, maybe. I just posted this, minutes ago:
This morning I wrote a letter to my Dad, who passed away in 2016. After writing about how the kids were doing, I shared a little bit about neurodiversity and about spirituality - stuff that has been on my mind.
I closed with this: "I know you thought about these things during your life. You shared some of your journey with me. That mattered. I want you to know that your sharing mattered."
And then I cried for a little while. Like I'm doing right now.
@GTMLosAngeles @ScottSoCal @Sci_Fi_FanGirl @actuallyautistic I lost my parents many years ago. The feelings associated with the loss of a parent can be complicated, because the relationships are complicated. I think a large part of the grief, especially if the relationship was difficult, is the loss of what might have been. The chance of reconciliation & a new beginning is gone. So condolences to all those experiencing grief. The little girl in me still misses what I had, & what I hoped to have.
@ScottSoCal @actuallyautistic Your feelings are likely a stew of grief, anger, and unresolved issues; it will take time to sort them all out. There's a good book on complex PTSD that might help by Pete Walker that you could read when you're ready, if that's part of the dynamic; there's also a thing called the 'empty chair technique' that is used to help sort out feelings.
What Is The Empty Chair Technique And Why Do Therapists Use It? | BetterHelp
https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/therapy/what-is-the-empty-chair-technique-and-why-do-therapists-use-it/
Regarding this discussion:
Here's my suggestion. Ignore if it doesn't fit your preferences:
I've extensively done meditation beginning at age 14... yogic meditation, Daoist, all sorts. Qi Gong. Etc.
Here's what I really love the most: just walk through a quiet secluded forest, and be aware of the forest energy. My favorite is an evergreen conifer forest.
This is meditation in motion. Be aware of what you feel in the forest environment. Be aware of the subtlety. Let the quietness of the trees envelope you.
Or walk along a beach, or stream, a small creek in natural settings (away from city, traffic, crowds of people, industrial noise).
Biophilia is a real thing. Built-in affinity for the natural world. It's in our DNA. It's home to humans.
Moving while being mindful helps to settle thoughts and can help from becoming overfocused on dark thoughts. Moving keeps the internal thought processes from becoming stuck. It keeps everything circulating and flowing and can alleviate depression.
When people in my family have died (father, mother, brother), I sometimes tended to have delayed reactions due to my autism and trauma. It took a while, maybe weeks, months, even years for feelings to come up and be felt in all the complexity that involves a parent or sibling.
I didn't have the best relationship with my mother (and brother). It took awhile in her case for all the emotions to arise. It hit me again, years later when I found myself grieving her death as if my emotions had just surfaced, with new understanding of all that happened.
Autistic grief can be different. Delayed, complex. But no less impactful in my case. I'm still learning new things about them and my relationships with them.
@obrerx Two years for my tears to come out, after my father died. I have not cried for my mom's death, and she died in 2017.
I seem to mourn in a way that will create an external object to symbolize the person, like I did when the shuttle challenger went boom (I got in trouble for being th only child who did not cry or have intense emotions).
I build lego sets or model shuttles, and I get a choice of name, I always choose Challenger
@ScottSoCal @actuallyautistic
@obrerx
My father's death gave me the first indication that something was "wrong", because I didn't grieve like "normal people".
@ScottSoCal @actuallyautistic
I understand that. Someone incredibly important to me died, and it took me about 6 months before I cried for the first time. Before that I was just kind of neutral.
In my mother's case, because it was complicated, I think I'm a mix of angry, resentful, and sad. Sad for what should have been, but wasn't.
Some emotions don't have words that fit them. Some emotions are contradictory.
Sometimes when I try to name what I'm feeling I get stuck because I know what I'm supposed to be feeling, and that doesn't fit. Or I don't understand why I'm feeling that emotion.
Sometimes it helps me to focus just on what I actually feel in my body. It feels tight, or sore, or scrunched up, or whatever.
Sometimes it helps me to write or draw, but not directly to explain my emotions, just keeping them in my peripheral vision, as it were, and allowing chance and subconscious association to happen.
Sometimes it's enough to just label my feelings very generally ("crap" or "tired") and try to be patient as they reveal themselves more over time.
@Zumbador @ScottSoCal @actuallyautistic
as you mention writing.
I am a VERY verbal person. Like extremely.
And if I feel something very very intensely, I don't even TRY to name it. For me, it doesn't need a name, it only needs a voice.
So I ask for its story. What story does it want to tell me? What story does it hold? And I wait.
The voice may be too scared to answer at first. Or too hurt. And I wait.
1/
@ScottSoCal @actuallyautistic Times like this I often present my brain some hypotheses. Sometimes it's by asking what it'd rather be feeling but isn't. Sometimes it's by naming common responses a person might have and seeing if it can pick any out of the lineup that match. Sometimes I ask, "what would be the most optimal thing to happen for me next?" without worrying about whether it's plausible or even possible, bc that tells me what's wrong NOW, and I might be able to find a more practical way to address it now that I've got a direction to look
@actuallyautistic
Thanks for the input, everyone who did. My brain already decided I'm going to write a letter. It's partially composed, now, but I'll wait till I get home to type it in.
I always re-write 400 times, anyway, till it says exactly what I want it to say.