@ScottSoCal @actuallyautistic For me every situation is different. It depends on what has been done to repair the trust afterwards. For instance if they seem completely unconcerned with doing so, or unrepentant about the transgression in the first place, then yeah, I couldn't nor wouldn't trust them again. If they are willing to talk to you about it, seem genuinely sorry about it, and are willing to try to earn your trust back over a period of time, then I'd say it's at least possible. I've only had that happen once though. Not many people are willing to put in the work.

@ScottSoCal @actuallyautistic
For obvious autistic reasons, I don't trust easily. So if someone's gone out of their way to abuse trust once I've given it to them, then I'm afraid they're dead to me and that's never changing.

@ScottSoCal @actuallyautistic I believe it's an autistic thing to have a heightened sense of justice. I feel like this article covers it and other aspects of different autistic emotions well, might help in this situation https://neuroclastic.com/very-grand-emotions/

I'm sorry you're being told to "get over" something, not very empathetic. Usually when people tell me something like that, they're frustrated. So I find it helpful to figure out what it is that they're frustrated about and tackle that separately.

Asking you to make yourself less isn't really a fair ask on their part, so I tend to stick to my ground on that front. Usually something along the lines of, "I need to respect my feelings, and I feel uncomfortable in this situation because of XY and z. I know you don't want me to feel uncomfortable, so let's figure out a solution.." I would make sure that the trust break is evident and provide info on what it would take for me to feel better... Usually time, space, & the incident not repeating again.

@ScottSoCal @actuallyautistic not sure it is exclusively an autistic thing, but i too have similar issue

i think we tend to me more cautious at the get go, so when the trust is broken, we take longer to get back to a place where we feel safe again

@ScottSoCal @actuallyautistic I have a very difficult time trusting a person again once trust is broken. For me it's like a scale that has been finally tipped to one side and is now stuck that way. Cumulative injuries over a lifetime are what tip that scale. It is sort of like the proverbial last toothpick that finally tips the scale.

I don't know for sure if that is an autism or neurodivergent thing, but I am autistic.

@ScottSoCal @actuallyautistic "Forgive perhaps, but never forget". I'd add "Trust? Never". Maybe I'm just a vindictive old fart, maybe not.

@ScottSoCal @actuallyautistic Everyone gets one free opportunity to break my trust. One. After that they get to stand in line behind the other 8 Billion people on the planet.

Just one.

When I was five years old I caught my grandmother cheating at go-fish. She died when i was in my 30's having never played another game with me.

@ScottSoCal @actuallyautistic For me , the question is whether that is something I'd classify as betrayal - because breaking trust (I don't fully understand what "in a fundamental way" means) is something I can maybe get over it, although I am not sure how much I'd trust that person.

But what you mean with "in a fundamental way" means "betrayal", then I can never get over it, ir rather, I can "get over it" as in "I don't care anymore", but I would never ever trust that person anymore - ever - probably not even with trivial matters.

@ScottSoCal @actuallyautistic Not a you thing and anyone telling you how to manage your emotions and life experience can give you actual support or shut the hell up. People earn trust. When they break trust, they need to own it. With regards to you trusting them again, that's something for the other person to fix, they need to work to earn your trust, and that can take a lot of time. If you are just expected to get over it without that, then "when people show you who they are, believe them."

@ScottSoCal @actuallyautistic

I don't think humans (at least, in English) use the word "trust" correctly.

For decades now, I have never "trusted anyone to not hurt/disappoint me".

Instead, I "trust" them to be themselves.

By which, I mean, "trust" is about understanding someone and accepting them to behave in a way that is true to themselves.

And, if I understand them well enough, then I know what to share--and not share--with them, because of who they are.

And if I foolishly put them in a position where they feel obliged to hurt me ... well, that's my own fault.

Not sure if this helps you.

But the idea of "trusting someone to have my best interests at heart" ... that's not really what "trust" means to me, anymore.

@ScottSoCal

My trust has all sorts of mechanisms to account for human error and the unexpected. It's actually pretty hard to break my trust, so, no it's only possible to repair with extreme directed effort.

Like, yea, I've healed from that bridge giving way from under me. Whether it has been repaired has everything to do with whether I'm putting my weight on it again, but even if so, maybe not.

@ScottSoCal@computerfairi.es @actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe Trust grows over time for me. To start with, there is very little trust, so very little to break. Humans will human, we're getting used to each other, mistakes happen. But the longer I know somebody, and the better they get to know me, and I feel they do know me, and I have given them a few pages from my manual, the more trust grows, and the bigger the possible breach gets.

I tried once to get over it. Reasoned it out with myself, in the situation I was with that person, and the circumstances. I intentionally put trust in that person, because mitigating circumstances, and would have completely upended my life otherwise. And you know what, they betrayed my trust again, just the same, the very next opportunity, and the upending happened anyway.

Go with your intuition. You're over it, not angry, so there's likely a good read. If you feel you can't trust that person again, don't. First time, trust is given, an advance of good faith. If that is broken, it must be earned. If somebody asks to "get over it", it's usually their own comfort they're looking out for, not your benefit.

I'm not diagnosed, but strongly suspected to be autistic. Some kind of neurospicy, definitely.

@ScottSoCal @actuallyautistic I have no idea whether it's an autism thing, but it may be more difficult for autists or other people who've been bullied/traumatized/abused to do.

For me, rebuilding trust is a two-direction street. If the person who broke my trust told me to "get over it", I'd be less likely to trust them. That sort of attitude invalidates my feelings and seems borderline abusive. (I acknowledge that you didn't mention who told you to "get over it", but for me that is a factor). If the person who broke trust is willing to try to rebuilt it, then I'm usually willing to give it a try on a step-by-step basis. I think it's unrealistic for it to automatically be a 100% restoration of trust.

I also think it depends on how they broke trust. Someone who tried to kill me? Uh, no. Someone who stole some money? Perhaps. Someone who lied to me about having to work because they didn't want to hang with me? Okay, but there'll always be a nagging doubt in my mind whether whatever you say to me is a lie.

@ScottSoCal

I would say this is just a human thing.

If someone breaks my trust once, that's it. Never again.

@ScottSoCal

“Trust” is based on what we learn about someone. It is trusting they will be similar in the future to how they’ve been in the past, and that we’re okay with that.

I see this as you learned something new about them (a neutral thing, neither good nor bad). That learning can’t be erased from your memory. I would guess you could say right now that you “trust that they will do the same thing again” right now, unless something has changed.

“Always forgive, never forget.”

This is not about holding a grudge, which is emotions based, this is simply a learning journey. We can’t will ourselves to forget a memory.

Maybe they’ll never do that thing again, and if you’re open to it, maybe you’ll learn it was a one-off, but that takes time and it means they must respect it’s their responsibility to SHOW that. It’s also possible that more information about the context could reveal this was a one-off.

I “trust” in my learning about people, rather than people. And I am always open to learning more about them, but my experience of and knowledge about them so far has to be accepted by them and respected by them. Asking me to willingly risk a repeat of something painful without proof it won’t happen again (I.e. the context now seems to be the same as when it happened before) is asking me to forget something I cannot forget and break my own boundaries. It would be like doing the painful thing they did TO MYSELF. No, there has to be some responsibility from the other side of the impact of what has happened, and that must be respected.

I would expect the same in return if it was me who “broke trust”, I.e. acted differently to how they expected due to what they’ve learned about me so far.

I expect some NTs are more willing to trust based on what they HOPE someone is like, and trust in their predictions of them, plus more willing to forget lessons learned about them due to social benefits. But this can still be an everyone thing, not just autistic. I would guess it’s more common for us autistics, though, and a much harsher experience. Generalising, but autistics probably find it harder to predict what people will be like in future situations, so (at least this is my experience) it feels like constantly learning new lessons about them. It means people always feel unpredictable. In some senses, the word “trust” feels irrelevant in my world.

@actuallyautistic