*raises giant mug of apple juice* it's the four-year anniversary of the most depressed i've ever been!! may i never again sink that low!!

you might think it's a little weird to be drinking APPLE JUICE on such an occasion (and not something more somber like chocolate milk) but i think it is cause for celebration. i mean i survived and i know my limits now and i've never been that bad since so

although tbf as much as i talk up autumn weather this is the first one since i've really been able to enjoy, considering. which is also a cause for celebration in its own way.

it's silly to pin a date on something like "lowest point" and even sillier since everything past like the first week of october until the last week of november is now lost to me. i vaguely remember collapsing on my floor crying and barely able to breathe so that's a strong contender but idk when the fuck that was. but mid-november is a good estimate.

i remember walking outside one day after thanksgiving break and just like being amazed at how blue the sky was, like holy shit. like that sounds cliche but like i had really forgotten how blue the sky was because everything had been desaturated for so long. and that was the beginning of a three-plus-year recovery arc

i don't remember thanksgiving that year at all except that it broke me in just the right ways for me to eventually heal. a big component in my depression was a toxic relationship and being on break gave me the space and ability to actually realize i was fed up with that. plus space from an unhealthy living situation and all the stress of college and

when i got back to school and finally started realizing what i'd been missing and that what i had been through was actually really serious depression i wrote an email to all of my professors apologizing for basically fucking up in all of their classes. for that i got sent to the dean of students office,