#FreeBSD Ahah. The first `pkg` in my path is /usr/sbin/pkg from base, while the first `pkg-static` is /usr/local/sbin/pkg-static from ports-mgmt/pkg, the two sources got out of sync (ports a higher version number than base), ports-mgmt/portmaster explicitly uses pkg-static, and I never noticed which `pkg` and `pkg-static` I was using outside of that. Yep, that would do it.
That's a first, and if my futile searches are any indicator, a first ever for anyone.
Everything I use in #FreeBSD is installed from ports, not pkg, yet I somehow managed to bork my pkg database so badly that pkg-static keeps randomly removing vital packages like www/firefox and x11/xorg-server while upgrading (and later reinstalling) completely unrelated ports.
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