Sorry, I'm running Windows 10. Why does your app not like it? It'd be nice if I knew whether technically being on build 1607 was the reason, but here we are. You won't tell me. Thanks.
Incidentally, this started because Dolphin versions newer than 5.0-17260 break. If anyone knows whether 5.0-16264 and newer made changes that would cause Server 2016 (which is, again, based off W10 build 1607] to not play nice with it, do let me know so I can bite that bullet sooner rather than later.
So, my options are to either keep banging my head against this wall until I can confirm or deny what's going on or to just bite the bullet and switch to running Tiny10 even though having to reinstall and resetup everything would be a massive pain in the ass. Great.