tanuki~ @heytanuki@computerfairi.es

posting on birdsite: 🍃

posting here: *showered in adoration, hardly knows what to do* 💖🍑💙💜🍩🦄🍇😹

okay I see where I enter an image description, how do I view it in posts?

I only use this on mobile if that matters

tanuki from the other day but cleaned up and stuff!

they're a wide beast

I have been hanging with the family but now

Dead Cells Is Self Care

i thought i could fave someone else's fave, but actually it just faves you own toot. dang

look i just,,,

really, appreciate,,, all of yall

my sister had her baby and of COURSE i got put on a group chat when she went into labor where people were basically betting on gender, making conjecture about sports or whatever, and being so obnoxious, i was beaten down with social dysphoria for over a day. i had to put off an important appointment, and felt alone in not talking about it (so everyone can just be happy about BABBY) (they should be happy about BABBY though!)

anYWAY. i got a couple days off at least!

i'm normally a v shy, hidey person and sometimes i just don't feel safe interacting in general outside a real small circle

but today masto has singlehandedly made me feel like a big cute poof and i'm slightly emboldened! it's a relief!

anyway, good feels for once. it's been a rough week. 💖🍑✨

so I have a big file of transition plans and the centerpiece of it is my fursona as a diagram of physical dysphoria zones and how I could solve them (short/long term where applicable). many of them are secretive because welp, it turns out some are deeply hard to talk about.

it is the Tanuki Codex and if any band of adventurers were to gather the necessary items/procedures, it could cause my apotheosis.

I guess what I'm saying is basically I'm a jrpg macguffin

the notification for this masto instance playing media in Android is a very good late 90s Computer Aesthetic

not to mention reconnecting with folks here after cutting away the noise that birdsite has?!

but I guess if I was a problem y'all wouldn't be reconnecting so that's rad. I always think I'm a problem! that's flawed thinking from a life of the wrong signals getting thru

I have irl people coming back into my life after a year, or maybe a year or two, and I haven't been very up-front about transitioning

like, I just layed low for a while, figured myself out. and didn't fill in details except to other cool folks

and I guess they gotta deal with my "new" self? which is still in process, still moving, still weird

it makes me uneasy but I think they'll just have to deal with it! I wish I could just flip a switch and make the world understand nonbinary

the ace representation youre thirsty for

ugh rando numbers stop calling me, I know I need to give the clinic a call and I'm already v v nervous about that

I like this drawing even tho it was just a quick sketch and isn't the best but heck

my sister in law is having a baby and like, that's cool and all! I got added to a group chat with all of their friends and holy heck. no one knows how to use punctuation and it's already led to a baby false alarm

also it reminds me of how gendered people are and it's gross. I feel icky. muting for mental health reasons, I'll have Cran fill me in when the moment happens

ugh

I feel.... illegal.

also i'm not saying "confrontation is a male thing" because it's not, but more in terms of tendencies and probabilities. i have confronted people; it doesn't make me more male to have done so

but it's more my feelings on it

just meandering thoughts idk, i just had the feeling of a mental tangle undoing itself

someone told me once "gender is a performance" and i was like "well that's bs" but i think they meant unconsciously performing gender.

i'm always at odds with what's expected of me and what i tend to "perform." quotes there because it's an unconscious performance. ask me to confront someone, i'll go down a mood spiral of deeply bad thoughtfeels before i realize what's going on.

that's just one example but tbh lots of things i don't are asked of me bc of how i'm perceived