so, i have borderline personality disorder. most of you i suspect already know what this means/what this makes you feel. but for those of you who don't:

it's like everything in your mind is dialled up to 100% at all times, and it's like nobody else in your life can see this. it makes you act irrationally because you're feeling SO MUCH! and everything's SO MUCH! and it's all... hard. life is tiring. emoting takes so much effort. and you feel. empty. just empty.

i hurt myself today, i cut myself with a beautiful little pocket knife i found in my sister's bedroom. it looks just like the one i have tattooed on my shoulder. i cut myself 19 times. just so i could feel something, just because i wanted to control something.

but half an hour later i was laughing away with my friends in a discord voice chat, talking about goofy halloween costumes.

because everything's SO MUCH.

it's not always like this.

sometimes you have good days, sometimes months. sometimes you get out of bed every day, and you take your meds, and you remember to brush your teeth and shower

sometimes you stay in bed and forget to eat all day, crying and shaking because your grandpa came over because he's scared you're hurting yourself and he doesn't understand why

you can't explain it because you don't feel. you can't remember what it's like to feel.

hi mastodon.

i have a mental illness that's invisible, and to the outside observer makes me seem... irrational, psychotic, abusive, and dangerous.

i just feel. so much. and i want to get better, but my god, it's hard to remember to be good. it's so hard to turn my mind down when it's screaming so loud at me. all the time.

i'm trying my best. please be patient with me. if i hurt you, or if i ever have, i am sorry. i want to be better. i'm trying.

-J

end of post chain. sorry for clogging up the timeline. i just needed to talk about my brain.