i don't want soft spoken words of empty comfort right now. i just want to be talked to normally like you're pretending i'm your friend. i want to feel for once like i have friends, not just people who put up with or around me. i want to feel what everyone else has always felt
i don't know how to make new friends anymore. i haven't made new friends or been part of communities since msn messenger. the last big ones i was forced to leave because of rape threats and harassment that went unmoderated. now i have no home on the internet and no friend circle
and watching everybody else have that online, every one of my mutuals be close-knit through places i'm not allowed in, hurts too much. i envy every single one of those interactions. does that make me toxic? good, less people to disappoint when i kill myself
i don't know what it feels like to have friends that aren't people i coerced into joining my communities because i would be allowed to join anyone else's. every time i mention this people go "oh that's so sad!" then nonchalantly walk away like i'm nuclear power plant waste